Hatemail

HATEMAIL!
It’s not looking good for me. I’ve recieved only two hatemails in the past week and one of them was from my mom! That means I only need 148 this week or the aliens are going to probe me, prod me, and possibly replace me with a kinder, gentler clone. Don’t blame me, I’m doing my part, it’s my lazy friends and readers who refuse to send me their hatemail! Please, don’t be shy. Tell me what you hate, ask any questions, and remember…all questions will be answered.
B’ham man huh? I enjoyed reading your columns, but I still don’t get it. What the hell is hatemail? Hatemail to me would be letters to my ex-husbands. By the way, did you hear they’ve built a new courthouse down here for $225 million and forgot to put disabled access…that’s another $700,000. Whoa to us, the taxpayers. We, the working class have little choice about anything. I love you son. Ma.
Ma, In this time of political spin, war is peace and love is hate, remember 1+1=3, so hatemail equals lovemail. Do you send hatemail to Dad with the rest of your ex-husbands? Anyway, thanks for the info about taxpayers getting the shaft. It’s not a big surprise for me. I don’t mind paying taxes, after all, I enjoy many of the benefits of living in a prosperous and powerful country, but it would be nice to be able to decide where some of my taxes are going.
B’ham man,
Well, here are some things I hate in this world. 1) flourescent lights 2) holes in my socks and 3) the mailman always bringing bad news. What can I do? John O.
John O, Flourescence is the emission of electromagnetic radiation, especially visible light, stimulated in a substance by the absorption of incident radiation and persisting only as long as the stimulating radiation is continued. Flourescent light occurs when electrical currents cause a vapor in a gas tube to emit electrons. The vapor is commonly one of the “noble gases”. There is a three step process to stopping flourescent light in your life. 1) at home, do not use flourescent light 2) start a listing of flourescent free businesses 3) create an incentive for more business’ to become flourescent free. Something like little window signs “ This business is flourescent free”. Holes in your socks is a little more tricky: 1) buy socks woven with kevlar thread or 2) learn to darn your socks. Now to the really tricky one. Mailmen can’t be stopped by rain, nor hail, nor sleet, nor snow. You have to assume that the mailman is armed and you don’t want him to go postal on you. This one has to be attacked from a flanking position. Write a letter to yourself, reminding you of something fantastic in your life.. Send it from a letter box in another town, you are almost gauranteed, that the mailman will bring you good news at least once. Thus the mailman is no longer “always bringing bad news”, just sometimes. Thanks for the hatemail John. If you have any more questions, you know where to find me. Send your hatemail to cdamitio@yahoo.com.