Foot Licking Good – A Collaborative Element Story by Vago Damitio
(Collaborative element stories are stories I write based on elements provided by Google+ users – to participate – just watch for my next request for elements)
“Rat-a-tat -tat would love to know what you are looking at?” In fact it was hard not to look but the truth is I wasn’t looking at the large stuffed rattlesnake with diamond eyes. Instead I was looking at something that was far more bizarre and far less appealing though when combined with the stuffed rattlesnake, it became pretty much impossible not to look at.
Those were the only words Charlie ever spoke to me and while I claim some responsibility for what was to happen, I had no idea at that time of the role she, he, it? was going to play not only in my life but in the life of my girlfriend. As I looked at the heavy wrinkles spread across her him it’s giant face, I realized I couldn’t really tell the first thing about her him it beyond the fact that she him it was big big big, old, and probably not from around here. I’d love to tell more, but somehow it seems wrong for me to do it…I’d rather let her words speak for her – a good place to start is probably at the moment we met….
Charlies Diary August 30th, 2253
Today I met two young people that both had a massive impact on me. Should I begin with the good or the bad? Okay, the bad. I had to go to Starbucks to file my residency permit in the South Dallas coffee region. I remember reading about how in the old days you had to take care of government bureaucracy in an office and my God am I glad I missed those days. It’s so much more civilized to wait in line, get your coffee and your number, and then wait your turn listening to light death metal and funk rock.
Anyway, I knew that I would probably meet SOMEONE at the registration cafe so I made sure to tuck my snake securely and enhance my massive bosums with the quad-D pads. So, well tucked and breast enhanced, I grabbed my favorite mu-mu (the purple one with twinks and bears on it in greco-roman stylings) and as I was walking out my door the evil glimmer of Kaa’s diamond eyes reminded me that it never hurts to have a distraction – and so I brought that old rattlesnake too.
Everything was fine until I reached the Barristacrat behind the counter and gave her my order “Extra Tall triple vanilla double chocolate mochiatto frappachino espresso with a twist of cinnamon and heavy cream plus a shot of tequila and a new resident form for South Dallas district.”
The Barristacrat, who’s nametag said “Olive” was a tiny wisp of a girl with black hair pulled up tight in an awkward bun. My order had been clear enough but like all low level coffee functionaries, she was trying to assert her dominance. “Sex, please.”
Now, to be fair – I’d heard that some of the Southern communities still requested sex regardless of gender but this was my first time coming up against it.
“Gender neutral,” I told her. She just looked at me and repeated “Sex, please.”
I decided to be nice and pulled my 310 pounds up into the intimidating seven feet one inches of my body. “Honey, I don’t have one. I’m gender neutral – can’t you see that?” I was hoping she would be intimidated by the way my massive girth towered over her, but my hopes were dashed.
“I need your sex, Ma’am-Sir” – Good lord – they didn’t even call you Citizen in these backward waters. This little bitch Olive was forcing me to tell all- something I hate! I looked down at her and realized I had no choice though.
“Honey, I’m Hermaphrodite – no single sex. Okay?” If I thought that would solve it, I was wrong.
“I’m going to need you to show me,” she said. “Here is the key to the restroom, I’ll meet you there in 58 seconds.”
I had no choice though. I took the key and turned to head to the restroom when I saw the most incredible pair of feet propped up on an overstuffed muted green ottoman. He’d left his sandals on the floor and I could see each detail of them. The three hairs on the second toe, the callous around the heel, the long carpals surpassing the delicate thumb-like big toe – divine. I could feel my salivary glands moving into hyperdrive and I noisily slurped my tongue along my lips to get his attention.
When he looked up I motioned to my snake- the one on my shoulder not the one in my pants – and said to him “Rat-a-tat -tat would love to know what you are looking at?”
It’s all I can write at the moment – I’m still too upset about what happened next.
Charlies Diary August 30th, 2253
Alright- I’m better now. Last night I brought in six prostitutes – two men and four women and gave myself a foot licking extravaganza. I always feel better after that. As someone who has all the equipment but can’t see their own feet- it’s no wonder I have this fascination. And if a few of them had fun with my snakes and tunnels – well…there’s no reason everyone shouldn’t have a nice time. Is there?
And that brings me back to yesterday. There I was, looking at those gorgeous feet and on the verge of really getting somewhere with the guy connected to them when the evil Olive struck again –
“Uh, Mr.-Miss! We have an appointment, remember?” She stood looking out of the door with those beady coal button eyes and that scrawny white chicken neck. I knew what she wanted and I was going to give it to her. I marched my massive Mongolian-Ukranian frame to the door and squeezed myself through…yes, there she was next to the toilet just as I’d expected.
“Alright Miss-Mr, we’ll need you to give us a sample of your pee so we can confirm that you carry all the requisite hormones and chromosomes of a true hermaphrodite…did you know that only .03% of those who self identify as hermaphrodite in the South Dallas Starbucks end up being exactly 50% male and female. All of the rest end up being more male or more female in fact…” Miss Smarty-Party was going to go on and on but I gave her no chance when I whipped out my big ten inch record book to show her that I was actually and factually 50/50.
Now, she just loved my big 10- inch record book because it had all the individual records but it wasn’t enough for her.
“Since we’re in here, can you just show me…?” And so I did. The snake, the caves, the works and do you know what she said ?? Can you believe it? That little red bloused wench had the nerve to pinch her nostrils and say to me “I never expected them to smell so bad – you know, I have a very keen sense of smell – in fact- I think your extra tall triple vanilla double chocolate mochiatto frappachino espresso with a twist of cinnamon and heavy cream plus a shot of tequila is ready, but I’ll have to ask for you to come back tomorrow for the new resident form – we’re all out right now.”
And would you believe that the man with the gorgeous feet was gone by the time I came out of the bathroom? How’s that for bad luck? I’m going to go back now and see if he is there….
Charlies Diary September 1th, 2253
He wasn’t there. And to top it off, she told me they still didn’t have the new resident forms. I’m going back now and if Miss Olive doesn’t have them I’m going to rip her head off her skinny little neck.
Narrator: And that’s how it happened. She came in there hell bent for leather and she made the mistake of attacking my sweet Olive when my little barristacrat told her the paperwork would be delayed for two weeks. The thing about Olive is that between her ex and me, she’s learned to defend herself pretty well. Bluto taught her judo and boxing and I’ve taught her the arts of Tae Kwon Do and spinach sucking. When that big hermaphodite took a swing at her, Olive sucked in a mouthful of spinach, threw a right jab, and sent 310 pounds of Ukrainian Mongol across the sugar and cream counter and into the income tax form rack. Before I could grab my pipe or sandals, she had ripped open Charlie’s pants and grabbed that big ten inch – record book before she threw Charlie out of the Starbucks regional office for good. We never saw her again, but when I was looking with wonder at that big ten inch-record book, I noticed the diary entries and that’s how I came to know that part I played in all of this – as I read on, I have come to realize just how fascinating Charlie’s seventy-one years have been – but that’s a story for later.
Here is the thread where the elements were listed and below are the compiled elements of the story:
1) name – Charlie
2) age, ethnicity, ht and wt – Ht. 7’1″ Weight 310 Age 71 Ethnicity Ukrainian/ Mongol
3) odd characteristic – hermaphrodite
4) greatest desire to lick the feet of complete strangers
5) impediment to desire – an incredibly keen sense of smell
6) location-South Dallas
7) year- 2253
8) genre- Slapstick comedy.
9) odd prop -Large stuffed rattlesnake with diamond eyes.
10) worst enemy – the manager at the local Starbucks