President George W. Bush announced his New Year’s resolution early today, unveiling his new fiscal plan for 2006. It consists of spending every dollar in circulation.
“I know how to solve problems,” the president said, “and problems, it’s solved with money. (Snort.)”
Bush, whose presidential legacy includes a record $600 billion budget deficit and a compounding national debt, pounded the podium as he spoke.
“As long as average Americans remain complacent in the face of unbridled government spending, I stand firmly as a president–as the president–I stand firm as the president!” the president said. Then he smirked.
Bush added, “Iraq is only the beginning. A drop in the bucket. We must do and spend everything in our power to keep this administration out of the news.”
He summed up his stance, saying, “America will not give in until we have wiped out the national treasury. Our fight against terror will now include not only the Middle East, all natural disasters, all the facts, and all possible future diseases. It now includes all financial benefits. I call upon all dead presidents (and Ben Franklin) to help us in this historic fight.”
Ben Franklin, as some Americans are aware, was not ever a president, although his face appears on the $100 bill.
“We must continue this fight against your children and grandchildren,” Bush concluded.
When reporters began to ask questions, Bush simply said, “Scooter Libby is innocent,” and gave them the Finger.