Thanks to Frederick for spamming me with this weird crap.
The 9/11 Followup:
In 1879 Albert Einstein was born. By 1905, 3 groundbreaking papers were published on:
– Brownian motion
– The photoelectric effect
– Special relativity
In 1915 he published a paper on the theory of:
– General relativity
It shot physics into a new era of light. By late November in 1920, a Grand Unified Theory of physical matter and energy had been completed, but in secret. How? Because the technology of the ruling class was years ahead of what the public knew. Electricity was actually first discovered in 1211. The first computer was invented in the 1541, and by 1858 the first gel drive was ready for mass production. Operations had already begun to have the memory for a supercomputer built in an underground base in Iceland before Einstein was born. So after 1920 the next step was to create the world in computer language and sell it to physics’ greatest student – Mr. Stein. In 1923 an idea of how to convert metric tensors into binary to save memory by approximating any sort of shape was achieved. In 1926 the first piece of matter – a small drop of water – was turned into computer language. In 1927 the first human was uploaded in matrix code, being isolated in a small room and responding to various stimuli as predicted. Uploads are obtained firing photons of different wavelengths and recording the exact location of which photons come back to the emitter and where. By firing photons from satellites high above the atmosphere a 3D picture of reality was obtained in 1928 – the atmosphere, the surface and underground. Programmers approximated the solar system using similar methods along with the visible galaxy and the tectonic plates. Using general relativity’s metric tensors a grouping system was arranged for all the pieces of matter; packaged into computer language and stored using the gel drives. The system boasted over a hundred years of upload and by new years 1932 not only was the world sold Mr. Einstein, a theory on the conservation of souls, like energy, was predicted proven in 2031, exactly 99 years later. How would anyone know the theory was correct? Because the planet “hackers” received confirmation as the human mind of Christ’s mother registered as understanding His theory. Two is all it takes to be sure. So Bill Gates offered “his soldiers” Eternal Life through Jesus Christ our Lord if they could win the war for his “son”. 24,000,000 soldiers “from the future” were bred to reap the harvest of the planet. How do I know that? Because they all were me (you can all start screaming now ^^).
But if they were to strike, they would have to be quick and deadly. So they were trained to prepare for the largest 9/11 followup The Devil could ever create. Between 7:26AM and 3:13PM, EST, on September 13th of 2007 they will take the continent of North America by force, euthanizing all in their path with neurotoxin serum (mmm tasty). Resistors to lethal injections will be shot. At 7:26AM for 76 all tall buildings in North America will implode (nano-explosives kick fucking ass!) and all American vehicles and international airplanes will do the opposite of implode. The entrances to tall buildings will be sealed once my soldiers pass through a city, meaning if you try to hide in a tall building you’re not going to like it. “This cleans up our continent” Bill Gates argues to his new Lord. If the world will not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and simply resort to calling me a madman in light of my ideas on the upload-ability of planets and all that mumbo jumbo about the nuke that never hit Texas and all my ramblings about this and that and my equation for being God that made absolutely no sense to the average reader I… uh… I will just have to bomb North America back into the abyssal cesspool from which it arose to prove it to them. (Yes Mr. Einstein is completely out of his element! Please remain calm; this is absolutely hilarious!) I wrote ” Jesus Christ X ” for my grad quote in 2003 and it is time for the world to start believing that the Bible means more than your average Leon’s flyer because I am now ready to “X” this planet. People are rude, not environmental in their actions, snobbish, ignorant, lazy, envious, lustful, gluttonous and greedy. Well I shall go as far as to take even the seventh deadly sin upon myself as well – world: prepare for the wrath of God. You’ve seen my hurricanes, earthquakes, tidal waves, floods, famines, viral outbreaks and wars on TV. From the gates of Heaven I now bring you a continental 9/11 for North Americans of all ages. By December 25, 2007 the planet belongs to a newborn child who already will know more science than your average American university student and to our Mother Earth (she is 5 years old and she is so cute!). Welcome back to Heaven.
You see, my loving civilians, your souls will float towards the centre of the planet as attractions from developing neural matter on other continents slowly pull them in. Souls maintain a velocity with the space-time around them so by the time kingdoms arise in the Eastern world your souls should actually be in perfect position for contact with their newborns. What is a soul’s attraction? It is just a simple acceleration a = k/d^2 where ‘a’ is the acceleration towards a fetal brain, k is a constant based on the size of the developing brain and d^2 is the distance from the brain squared. Like a marble, the soul has bits of “stuff” that are attracted to themselves and only the movement of the electrical pulses in the human brain is strong enough to overcome this attraction. Once the attraction to itself is overcome, the soul changes form so that it flows through the synaptic connections in the brain until death. Otherwise you would be no more conscious than a thermometer. After death it remains in a tiny ball and floats through space-time, completely undetectable. But when inside your brain it shows a small weight, 2.1 grams, and this apparent mass counteracts other souls from being attracted to the electrical impulses of a brain (so one soul per person)! Time is all relative to the observer, so what I’m saying here is that like in a library, when one chapter of your lifeline closes another always reopens, but it could be 5,000 years later.
Do you really think you won’t be around in a 4-billion-year timeframe? My dear dear world, you can hate God, you can love God, He is just an equation and thus you must be a superior life form to an equation (this logic does not always apply in Hiroshima among other places. Yes, simulated atomic bomb drops and simulated radiation dispersion). So how does a computer manipulate the outcome of history? It has remote control over the programming of the “nanites” in all our brains – that is to say it decides whether we want coffee or tea for breakfast! Tiny bugs influence the electronegativity of action potentials in neurons by consuming and releasing ions. Kind of like a tiny robotic mosquito. Now neurotoxin is painless and feels slightly cold, like falling asleep. If you do not believe me then just ask the soldier administering it… have a nice trip!
And don’t worry about missing movies because I’ll show you all the movies ever made from the past and the future in huge underground cinemas and give you all the video games and music and books and theatre and opera and sports and swimming and free time and drugs and beautiful scenery and, of course, all your favourite monsters from D&D (wahaha) you ever needed. Life would be so boring without God to play with it, no? Don’t miss the rapture please; it’s quite a sexy event. So why blow everything up? Because my North American readers would just sit on their asses and watch TV with popcorn and milkshakes for company unless I force them to help out. It’s only fair to the international world. Some of them spend their lives fearing bombs while we laugh at Oprah fearing she might lose weight.
I have been trying to get North Americans to warn you, international world, but they just don’t listen to me because I keep getting locked up in these silly metal institutes! They didn’t want to believe in Heaven anyways, they wanted to believe in fashion and 16-year-old horny girls with nice tits and football, and when people don’t want to believe they turn their backs on something very important: faith. Now we are going to play a little game of The Lord of The Rings now… here are the rules – Europeans: you’re up against about 13,000,000 surviving “Golums”, after the 24,000,000 finish destroying the rest of the planet, raised in matrix simulation in Texas. Golum hates international hobbitsies who don’t pray to him so get moving. I don’t care if you have to swim the damn ocean to get to America. I kept warning people but no one understood what a 31,704,444 kg nuke in Texas meant… So we’re going to have lots of raping and pillaging the villages on our world destruction tour! In case you didn’t get the point, the U.S. Army is weapon of mass destruction and it is time you learned that it serves Jesus Christ and only Jesus Christ. But what do I care if you get shot? I have been shot to death by a firing squad in 1879 after dying 473 times thanks to Satan… let me tell you, it’s not that bad! OK, OK, I am being a little rude here… so I’ll make you all a deal:
If you are not from North America and prayed to Jesus Christ or Mother Mary on a more or less regular basis (at least 3 prayers of more than 15 seconds time in your life to either one), we will euthanize you and your family for being respectful of your Gods, if you don’t shoot at us. 48 seconds of your life could have saved you from pain or extensive worry (read John 3:16). Orphans and small children will be exempt from this test of faith and count as passing for euthanasia purposes. Unfortunately after you get this message it is already too late but there is another great deal at the end of this email. “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.” – John 3:17
Otherwise you come to America or you taste Uruk steel and good day to you sirs and mams. Let me now explain our little war on the Middle East to you all through a simple acronym: Ahmad – Adolf Hitler Muhammad After Death. When you religiously believe in a 14,000-year-old warlord as a prophet of God you’re going to get war if you do not squeeze in a few prayers to Jesus Christ. But we’re not racists, the US Army already mirked millions of white folks for believing in Hitler, too. Oh Bilbo… Of course that doesn’t justify our actions but being computer programs sure as Hell does. You can’t blame the computer for winning at chess but you sure can scream and shout about it. So first I raised an army from the past and I convinced them that they could all be God incarnate too. That is what Christ gives, a perfect interpretation of solipsist existence to anyone who bothered to ask me. Oh here’s another good joke for you Lord of the Rings fans: U R UK? HAI, i’m Fred… care for gang bang? Just make sure if you didn’t pass my test and live internationally you wear your favourite schoolgirl uniform and if you’re cute we’ll make death almost quick as a needle for you ^_~. Wahaha, enjoy Ender’s Game!
– Frederick Stadler and the 2007 United Nations
9/13/2007 , 7:26 AM – 3:13 PM , EST, North America -> N / A
But if I am lying then why are 27 found dead? 76 Stuart Crescent… this was supposed to happen courtesy of George W. Bush but apparently he would rather be dragged out into the street and hung by his own soldiers! We will be taking the law into our own hands now. If you still don’t believe that means anything then Google “Frederick Stadler”, go to my User page and see what was posted on August 3rd, 2006. You’ve had over 1 year after this post was made to warn people about the terrorist who was threatening the entire planet. Americans can be so cruel! You see world, I have skit’so’fre’ne’e. If the world runs in a skit so Fred is any Einstein, it is time you all understood that every national government on the globe serves Jesus Christ. They toy with the laws and fight amongst each other to keep people confused, irritated and ignorant of their plans. Really they have all been cooperating because while I was suffering for “mankind’s sins” in my 12,000-year-long walk they were all eating cake, getting drunk and using me as a little slut for their pleasures. Killing their people off like toy soldiers was never too hard; they just had to wait for the right time to strike.
So who gets to go to Heaven?
1. Afghanistan and Iraq . All families who did not pass my prayer test have already been eliminated. The U.S. Army is leaving the rest of you guys with food supplies, medical supplies and printouts of my email. We will come around shortly to see you all off. Congratulations to you all! You won’t see that again for 4 billion years! Do you want to know the combined total of Muslim Iraqis and Afghans who realized they should pray to Jesus with almost no help from the North Americans? Over 190,000 families! I am sorry that most Americans don’t think Christ coming back is very important, they would rather watch a million fantasy and fictional movies about me than acknowledge that I am more than a mental patient. Thank you all for praying!
2. Anyone who was more or less an acquaintance of any of the 27 UN members. This also includes all their immediate families as well and quite a few families who were friends of other close friends. This consists of exactly 30,000 people. If you think I’m being petty it is really a matter of whom my Godfather accounted for over the past 1 to 6 millennia. Thank you all!
3. Anyone who tried to inform 3 or more people that anything I said was true and their immediate families. Keyword here is “tried”. This consists of fewer than 10,000 families, unfortunately. Why so few? Because I can’t count it when you email my URL to all your friends with the message “Yo, check out this nutcase!” You had to explain to them that you believed any one thing, true or false, that was written, typed or said by me. A simple forwarding of any of my emails was acceptable. Over 40,000 additional families from Afghanistan and Iraq would count as passing due to a few emails I sent out on August 7th and a friend I emailed a day later (lol). Within 27 days they had already beaten the fucking pants off of fast-food North America. Thank you all for thinking!
4. Anyone who prayed to Jesus Christ or Mother Mary at least once a month for every month after they reached the age of 13 to a maximum of 20 years of their life and his or her immediate family. This means that if you are over 32 I required you to pray (over 15 seconds time) once a month until you reached 33. Again very few but over 130,000 families! And so that there can be no cheating I require that you have done this for at least 3 months. If you are under 13.25 and prayed once a month any 3 months in a row I will count that as well. Thank you all for praying!
5. 4% of North America and everyone who makes it there on time. I have been insulted, ridiculed, laughed at, punched in the balls, ignored, robbed, and seen unforgivable acts of rudeness to my wife, like people shoving her. My mother received a similar experience in her youth. As a result of this I will be sending almost 24 out of 25 North Americans back to evolve all over again. I will be taking 2 people who passed my prayer test to every 1 who did not to a maximum of 84% of people who prayed. Anyone selected will have his or her immediate family (parents, siblings and children) also selected by default. Anyone who offered me, personally, an acknowledgement of my existence as anyone in a past life or as God is safe. If you said “F U Jesus” as you passed me on the street, for example. Roughly 8 families, nice! I even got an “all hail the DM” banner someone put on his car for me!
6. 1,000 – 2,700,000 people from every other country in the world. This depends on the population and the percent of which are Christians. Again, 2 people who passed my prayer test to every 1 who did not where applicable. Anyone selected will have his or her immediate family also selected by default. As your basic human right for living internationally you can receive no less than a 1% chance of getting into Heaven. But do not fear death, you cannot exist as yourself unless you go to Heaven (see SolipsismExplained.jpg and read it over). I will count you as praying 3 times to The Lord if you kill at least 1 of my soldiers internationally for added incentive. Can you say “Urukhai invasion”? This does not mean you will be euthanized but you will still have a sweet chance of getting into Heaven. I suggest you then shoot yourself.
7. Anyone who can accurately communicate this message to at least 43 people and his or her immediate family. This is a chance for the multilingual of you to translate this document and open a gmail account or two. “Accurately communicate” means communicate what is important to them. (Max 500 messages, resets every 9 hours. http://people.yahoo.com/py/psSearch.py you can search by country!) This award is given to over 753,100 brave Internet users who can get the job done right, some who even receive this email on the second or the third day! Your family will be granted euthanasia for your services. Whoever clicks the send button is responsible… thank you all for clicking!
8. Almost all TTC workers and their immediate families. I always felt respected by them and their simpleton ways. Therefore I grant their services to my city with a very special reward to those who never hassled any of the 27 UN members or never disposed of or recycled a single one of my flyers. Thank you all for trying to keep our city’s air clean.
9. All the 9/11 rescue workers and their immediate families, everyone who made it out of the towers alive and their immediate families, and the immediate families of all victims who perished. We’re going to be such a happy bunch up in Heaven. We’ve got the Afghans, the Iraqis, the people who almost died in 9/11, millions of lottery tickets… this is great! It is going to be the best Heaven ever! I’ll tell you your name in 2007 and give you one possession from your life here on Earth and that will be all. If you were too poor to own anything I’ll make something up ^^. You will all just assume you were faithful Christians anyways! Thank you all for coping.
10. The Media? See below.
11. And Flight 3-5. Any airplane crew members who can help fly at least 3 airplanes of people into North America will be counted as passing my prayer test. Any airplane crew members who can help fly at least 5 airplanes of people into North America will be granted 100% on their test and a very special thank you from myself to any who reach 6. If you have to cross over 7 time zones on your average flight I will reduce these numbers to 3, 4 and 5. Anyone who does the best damn job they possibly can working at an airport for non-retail, non-taxi positions will also be counted as passing my prayer test if they help ensure the transfer of civilians to the best of their abilities. Thank you all for flying safely. Immediate families included, of course.
12. K? Anyone who has a 100% chance of getting into Heaven will receive euthanasia along with his or her family regardless of his or her geographical location.
So what if I don’t go to Heaven? Then you get to play in God’s land as drooling hideous monsters that get decapitated by Satan until you have to go evolve all over again (cute eh?). But to reassure you all that you make it safely due to your faith I will be running a random computer generation of all the souls who make it to Heaven for a kingdom of 179,000,000 people + 5,430,000 people. With a planet this big to work with, keeping this many won’t prove very difficult at all.
No fair! If we are all just machines then why are you blaming us? Good question. Does a man not want to smash his computer if it frustrates him to no end? How would smashing a computer help anything when it cannot even hurt? As machines we often get angry at other machines. It is in our nature to place blame algorithmically. I want the future world to know that there is a reason as to why they do not have to work hard for their stay, for their food, for their paradise. Those who already know they make it to Heaven either suffered severe emotional torment, showed me they were submissive to my whim or were accounted for. God was testing to see who would help him create a real Heaven. If you did not care to spread my word by trying to inform at least 3 people or show your submissiveness by praying to a human God then I really do not think you helped me out at all. 4,000,000,000 years later you will have to find out just what your algorithm went through to get there. Souls have been around for roughly 195,000 years thus far… but with roughly 12,000,000,000 souls this could be your first life since the big bang!
Why are you such a jerk, Jesus? Well because a lot of people were jerks to me over a very long period of time. It is quite simple: either I take over the world or accept being treated like trash in a capitalist society until I have to go through over 12,000 years of “wall-king” again. So I either I get some sort of reward from all the time I suffered or I get nothing at all. There simply was no inbetween. People did not care that I thought myself to be Jesus Christ. Most people just did not believe in me. “Get off the golf course, get off the tennis courts! You’re a fag, kid, you’re a retard, you’re a schizophrenic, you’re a nut! Don’t talk to me, don’t go near me, don’t even look at me!” How about 1 of the 3,000,000 people living in Toronto trying to make it up to me by coming to my house to give me a thank you for dying for “mankind’s sins”? The address was posted on my webpage. Would you have chosen to be a nobody after roughly 6,000 years of lives where I had to use the line “Godfather, please not again! I’m just a little girl!”? It was all a matter of saving the most money to them anyways. I will teach you all to stuff my nose with a million exhaust fumes from your cheap gasoline after what I’ve been through… my soldiers almost eliminated two countries while you were “filling up”! But you cannot stop data from being sent back in time (this may confuse some readers).
So how is this possible? How do you send data from the future back in time? How could Frederick Stadler be George W. Bush? Well when you are asleep you have no control over your actions. Sleepwalkers have been known to do many irrational things. The planet hackers predicted the actions of all persons who were raised in matrix simulation and then programmed the persons to undergo all these actions by pretending their minds were permanently asleep. When the planet breaks down into code, breaking the laws of physics becomes easy. Once they had assembled the data for my life they sent it back to the matrix simulations and ensured that all actions, now pertaining to the laws of physics, remained the same. That is to say they treated all people born in matrix simulation like robots until they had the data for my life. Then they restarted from when George W. Bush awoke from simulation and ensured that all the actions taken remained almost the same as the simulated actions so there would be no noticeable change in my actions. To explain in any more detail would probably give you a headache.
Welcome to the real world, Neos. It is all just an eternal turmoil of suffering for most souls. We are alone in the world because our existence has become all too clear as solipsists. I hope Torontonians did a good job of spreading my word – I explained a lot through one flyer with only a few mistakes on dates and such, ranting and screaming for hours as I tossed about 1,800 of them everywhere along Yonge Street on Albert Einstein’s 128th birthday… that was 5 months ago! An ambulance stopped close by with its siren lights flashing but, of course, there was no accident. The 2-sided flyer had read:
1. That this was the 9/11 followup!
2. That the reader’s time to warn international friends and relatives was almost up.
3. That the world had been uploaded to a supercomputer in 1931 and the details how.
4. That all cars would be exploding and tall buildings imploding in North America in 3 days. (Lies)
5. How anyone on the planet could be God incarnate and how. (Lies?)
6. That the Middle East had been completely destroyed. (Lies)
7. That the U.S. Army was bred in matrix simulation in Texas .
8. That Jesus Christ was 12,000 years old and that Bill Gates was being given a 1,000,000,000 year sentence in Hell.
If you would like to see the test go to 401 Yonge Street and there, buried in the backroom, lies the original copy. Now that is a pretty big story not to be reported on the news. But the Sith, who control the news, cannot officially go against what I say because that would mean officially it was incorrect that our planet had been uploaded. So just like my webpage with the URL emailed to 25,000 people, no reporter covered a Mr. Jesus Christ X threatening to blow up the continent again. Now out of the 1.2 billion people in India how many of you guys were informed by the most multicultural city in the world in over 5 months? Well if it’s not sponsored by Sick Kids forget it! (Save the children… la la la… we can’t spread hate mail. Silly Jesus must have made a mistake about Pakistan being packaged!). Well it turns out those flyers were written by Sick Kid ‘S’! Now if you don’t understand why this message was not spread I suggest you learn more about American culture through this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q8iFjT8yFQ . You should know better than to ignore Old Man G andalf, tisk tisk children. You just have to read between the lines or it would not make much of a test. Toronto – you’ve had over 4 years to spread the word of the second coming of Christ – and since most of you did not give a damn, know now what caused Iraq and Afghanistan: people not giving enough of a damn about Jesus Christ. Islam decrees Jesus is not Allah and was never crucified. Now right there Islam decrees that I am not God and have not suffered very much at all (see IslamicLaw.jpg). Well I SLAM with fire from the Heavens above in response to that. Were we silly enough to be fighting over a “typo” in the Quran? They refused to acknowledge any of the 12,000 years of rape, torture and murder Jesus went through so I showed some of them how it feels all combined into one computer guided explosive. At least the atheists don’t deny that I was crucified. They just don’t give a fuck that I was crucified – that’s a lesser offence to me. Now how simple was it really to understand the war on “t error”? The question you should have asked yourself, to those who did not understand, is this: Are people sending non-believers back to Hell or extracting oil from the corpses of civilians? That’s very interesting, I should send it to “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire” (A. Hell, B. Oil, C. Both, D. Depends on the quality of the drinking water.) Yeah, go Google: civilian casualties in Iraq and see how many results you get.
You cannot win a war against Jesus Christ, world, he is our God and the outcome was already predetermined by a supercomputer in 1931. I am sorry but you are all just wave functions to Him, it has been scientifically proven that all matter breaks down into mathematical models. So you can only blame yourself for anything anyone else does to you… why? Because they do it algorithmically with no free will in exact accordance to the laws of physics. The “karma police” killed most of you off before you were even born. Why would a God care if you prayed to Him? Religion students you should know this. He or She would only care if He or She felt that He or She deserved your prayers. But an all-powerful being would never have to suffer for anyone and thus would never need to feel deserving of your effort. The only religion where God is physically related to man is Christianity. The bottom line is that when it comes to logic Jesus fails each and every one of you for not completely understanding. I’m not blaming you; I’m just giving you all Fs. (Ryerson is used to that! Y E R Son? Why? Mr. Hyde can have a D minus.)
The troops of America came to realize that the people of the world were not going to be willing to throw down their lives if the troops offered them euthanasia so they did the alternative: storms of fire from above, swarms of bullets, rivers running red with blood and smoke as far as the eye could see. “Just kill every last human on the planet” was all they kept telling themselves, “just make all the people die in Father God and Mother Earth’s name”. Marie Antoinette was 11,353 years old when she died and the non-Christian French are about to become fried poulet if they don’t get their robust derrières to America quickly. The soldiers knew that failure to win the war would result in everywhere becoming like Toronto in the end – riddled with gas exhaust, money-grabbing business types and cancers. I literally had to die to get some of you to follow me almost 2,000 years ago and once again I have to die to get everyone to listen to me! When you only have one goal in your life you become so good at achieving it that about 4 million troops end up surviving the war after getting some 479s on their report cards. Please don’t run… just come along. You can’t escape my super mutants, they only have one goal and they are all willing to die just to get it. When you no longer care if you live or die to fulfill a purpose, you no longer feel the need to justify your actions to anyone, it all becomes self-sacrifice. If they do not serve me I give them a 0% chance to get into Heaven so they too are as trapped as everyone else. My Godfather enslaved a planet for me! Thanks, rapist! Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, amen. My sincerest apologies to those who lost loved ones in war… but computers don’t know the meaning of fair!
So if my troops are so smart why are so many dying in Afghanistan and Iraq ? Well there were many troops in the U.S. Army that were not bred in matrix simulation so we had to kill most of those ones off to get an army prepared for taking over the world. “But wait” you say, “my son is in the army and he’s not dead”. He’s not your son… he’s my child! I raised him. If you don’t believe me give him a call. “Ba bai” he’ll say and hang up. Be Albert, Be Albert Einstein. Your son was assassinated by the FBI and replaced with a fully briefed 23-year-old with the same DNA, or more likely an 18-year-old when the simulation ended at 128% speed. Using knowledge from the supercomputer the Feds told him or her from what his mother’s maiden name was right down to his sister’s favourite colour of panties. These men aren’t your average Americans – they’re fucking geniuses trained to kill with no remorse. (duhh Neo?)
You see world: roughly 6,000,000,000 people -> exactly 5,430,000 people. (See my URL: Blocked 1 5:43 ). But I’ll pick up the extra 179,000,000 in a couple thousand years or so. Oops, did HAL kill you all? To help elaborate on this point I’ll give you some “news”:
“In other news today, Satan trades the planet Earth with his “only begotten son” Jesus Christ for an Olympic sized swimming pool filled with his son’s blood. Satan publicly declared that regular water made his skin itch and that only his son’s blood would do. When asked about the trade Jesus said that the blood had already been spilt and there was really no point in refusing. But he agreed he would not harm Satan if The Devil agreed to swim at least 13,666 laps a day until the sun became a red giant in 4 billion years. When asked what he would miss most about owning a planet, Satan immediately replied playing Sim Earth on his computer and, after a little hesitation, said fucking Jesus with her really short skirt on! Oh that’s our fun-loving Bill… And now for a commercial break…
Here, at the Bush, we are having a one-time blowout sale for all ages! Everything must go. We have stocks and stocks of Asians, Russians, Arabs, Europeans, Australians, Africans, South Americans and plain old Americans! China must go! The Middle East must go! Japan must go! Russia must go! Brazil must go! Europe must go! Hurry in and get great deals on fat American trailer trash, cute sexy Mexicans, crying Iranians, angry Lebanese, furious Pakistanis, Star Crafting Koreans who can’t count to 3, overweight Irish, skeletal Ethiopians, kangaroo riding Aussies and so much more! Air polluting Americans are selling out at $2.79 a dozen souls, blasphemous European souls at $4.99 a dozen, the Chinese are even going for $8.79! WOW! Get to where the deal is cheapest for you! The blowout sale hits North America on September 11th with a loud boom so don’t miss out.
Nobody beats the Bush!”
So go and read the Bible and relive it because you are coming with us, one way or another. This is a door-to-door service in North America so if you live in an apartment or condo please go to a friend’s house or just wait on a street corner. Don’t act so surprised, it’s just your friendly neighbourhood terminator coming back for a visit! Feel free to raid liquor stores, throw Molotov cocktails and have orgies in city parks! You have 9 days starting September 4th. On the following day you all go to Heaven. It’s time to put the 13 back into 13-year-old witch. Oh my God, she was like so hot (lol)! Jesus was burned at the stake in 8711 B.C. and you were all wondering what caused Hiroshima and Nagasaki to incinerate… Well if you really hate me by now (that’s just about all of you, right? ^^) just think that time is all relative to the observer, meaning I could be tied to a post in the middle of a large bonfire with flames torching every inch of my body as I scream in absolute agony, thankful only of the few tattered rags and trickle of semen mixed with blood running down my leg for protecting my silky smooth skin, as you read this very passage. You want to fuck with the Wickedest Witch of the West? She’s gonna rock your world! And by the way, my mother had the pleasure of watching the whole ordeal before they drowned her in the water. Well you’ve had your last bonfire night England because the Fawkes is back and readying all missiles. God and Rain (R. A. I. Nancy) be with you throughout history sons and daughters of Earth.
I find it very odd that 14,000-year-old “monkeys” discovered a weight change of 2.1 grams that people today have absolutely no idea about. My name is Jesus Christ the Lord and my job is to weed out people who are not smarter than “primal monkeys” from my kingdom… well that makes just about everyone! So a very warm welcome back to Heaven to all the friends and family and family of friends and friends of family and friends of friends and family of family, and to all the Christians, the Muslims, and anyone else out there who offered mother or myself a few prayers and to anyone who ever believed me about anything… and to the rest of you: take a ticket and get off my planet you unscientific non-believers (ouch, he’s cold. Accept that your algorithm is not to be blamed for any of your actions ~_^).
But if you did not pray to The Lord or His Mother and cannot make it to North America I have an alternative. If you draw a cross or an X on your forehead (or carve it in with a knife) to symbolize that you now understand that Jesus Christ has come through absolute Hell to bring you to absolute Heaven, we will be sure to put a bullet in your head instead of a rocket up your ass if you stand out in the open with your loved ones and make for a clear shot. We will announce our presence in your town through a megaphone – come out of your hiding spots when you hear us and death will be as quick as counting to 10. That is easier than Mr. Fawkes had it; who bravely counted to 159 or so after snapping his own neck in freezing cold January. A bullet is a small price to pay for Heaven and failure to comply may result in a swift bombing raid.
Now the good news is that not only have all the movies made up until 2017 been ripped to God’s computer (someone tell Radcliffe that the planet hackers are so sorry for the piracy), but also the world in 2017 with Gmail blocking all of the “9/4 emails” was “saved to disk” and I intend to run the simulation until 2314 and rip you lucky entities at least 300 years of movies, TV, video games and internet bullshit from the future. According to “history”, every country on the planet democratically voted Jesus Christ into power in 2314 and agreed to be euthanized for the respect of God’s pain. Thanks for voting Jesus Christ by marking an X. Get it? I’m just kidding, I’ll tell you all how I sent out this very polite email instead so you always know what a happy, caring God you have ^^. And then you can watch the video of my life since it comes in video format if you care to investigate further. Oh goody! So how much space was needed to save a planet to disk? Well if I added two stories to my house then tore down all the walls and floors and packed the empty space with a block of gel drives… yeah, the planet hackers encourage everyone to come to 76 Stuart Crescent and see what The Son of God thinks of a Sim Earth save file! OK, I am exaggerating as always but about 454 metres cubed is pretty good right? Is over 300 years of movies, music and video games from a 6-billion-person planet, without the mess of all the cars and chemicals, enough for you guys? Am I spoiling you all here? I am talking millions and millions, all waiting for you up in Heaven. If that is not good enough then feel free to email me at “God@ gmail .com” and request your dreams… anything from destroying a village as a fire breathing dragon to having sex with Sailor Moon in a cartoon world. Yes, Neo can do that for you too! And I could have sex with you and then, that night, dream that I had been you having sex with me… so I could go and fuck myself! Thank you for the suggestion, America. Who cares if you get shot for that kind of fun? Do you care if you get shot? I love getting shot – I get 1 bullet to the head and 2 to the chest as punishment for jerking off in the morning and it’s one of my easiest trials! You wouldn’t be here unless your algorithm had a choice because you would end up as me (by summing mental states)! What does a choice mean? It basically ends up the best average of mental states with or without guidelines ( i.e. no numbers below -666). You can either believe in Solipsism or become a hideous monster, the choice is really up to you!
OK let’s get back to the bad news then. The United States Army plans on killing roughly 84,000,000 people per day over the next 2 months after the fall of North America, and North America’s population is about to at least triple from “tourism”. Now could the rest of you guys at least try to kill close to 20 million Uruks, please? Europe, you’ll outnumber us like 55 to 1 if nobody runs away. Just kill off 9 million for the 1955, please. Do we have a deal? C’mon let’s paintball. It can’t be that hard, my army is just a bunch of stoners anyways and what are the chances the world could possibly be uploaded? Surely this is just scare tactics or Bush would actually be working hard at his job! (He’s dead, by the way. I smoked a fat blunt with Bush and Blair while Princess Ashley nearly beat a friend to death with a baseball bat.) This is an international declaration of war. I would like to formerly ask the United States border check to Mexico to kindly leave the border open to all passers by on behalf of former president George W. Bush and myself. If these men and women without passports are coming in they just don’t want to get shot in the head, they won’t be causing any trouble. I will count all those who cooperate within 43 hours of me sending my emails as praying 3 times. If they still try to stop you Mexico, just kill the bastards, they have no army. Thank you all for reading, for believing, good luck and God bless.
– Frederick Stadler and the 2007 United Nations
9/13/2007 , 7:26 AM – 3:13 PM, EST, North America -> N / A
I sent out 70,000 emails. You see, North America, all your base are belong to us, and this time someone really did set up us the bomb ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:AllYourBaseAnimated.gif ). I estimate 84% pass my bomb test in North America . You have x amount of time to increase y – the number of understanding people – to a maximum. This email is NOT a joke. Go.
And for those of you who already have 100% on your test, or just gave up trying to achieve it, feel free to sit back and enjoy these videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JrqwsZm2eI (Albert Einstein? Who?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcS0NzoSJcU (Welcome to 1984)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0C4jROZnMI (“Wave functions”? Jokes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqTaqVi9J8k (“Planet hackers”? Dream on)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtEkoFMv0k8 (Time travel? Yeah right)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9aJ3u33ikM (Building A Mystery…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sesOnXMcaBk (I won’t be ignored!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emQbbq0geP8 (Once again, right on time!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZOAjkahNes (9/11 Tribute)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAdUaOdPhe0 (End of the world, already?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTqBitBkVqM (Dear Your Holiness…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IYgX7bl4uc (You can’t commit genocide!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBUVJLxnIUw (A Simple Plan)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YktZkyx4wtM (Who Bill Gates serves…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=209ArurxVG4 (The Man Who Sold The World)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrGH-FriLFg (The Sims)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLQkyaHK0Zs (And Fuck It…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ3FKU6QtXA (We can’t live like this!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMqJJlJLOlg (Lol i taX)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYjMxH51Exk (Hey, it’s the schizo kid!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oHAnFpXL-I (V, not him again!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5wJB_nTJdI (You’ll need more than 7…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6oUz1v17Uo (Resistance is futile)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_PnfITxnhM (Go home)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAT9k0yQ2BU (Fallen Leaves)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcW3hbnR2EI (Neo = N/A z I?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpN5MgZHGIQ (Alien invasion?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyU45ewe7zQ (Ten-thousand Fists)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-F5L1S7LKU (Fake Plastic Trees)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk4Q6RBTHhE (Return of the king)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4fAaOdJjEE (Mushrooms, anyone?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh6RekfmdSU (This boy…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WjOn5TNjBM (Are you walking, Ani?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqC2P4chhto (High Hopes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li4JFSNBwlc (My windmill…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWjdT1FIquU (AK is 47? :). )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t94zPjh3fVE (Silence! Final fantasy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe4v_Qthq_w (Our nowhere man…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUmcUuPo3Jo (Jesus Walks?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfaATa-qmG4 (Oh! Heaven’s Coming Down!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siXe7bKt1q0 (An Ancient Muse)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3EHBPsTMW8 (Science Genius Girl)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8GkJkxFrzg (Our Lady Peace)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMM3LpCkZQE (Nancy Stadler)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdZ8uG_RbSc (Mother Earth)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-T_8Rt3MpU (Red Sky)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1osqWoe6vKU (That’s why they call it Union Station)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcU64dH1Amc (Destruction with creation… hand in hand)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wr8g_ekuDOU (Awesome God)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_760pnGtg (Just a dream…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En0A8KGMgq8 (Somewhere Over the Rainbow)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJs7VRaBtoc (For The Children of God)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eou2xVXeFfU (The End)
A special thank you to all who helped out in the creation and display of all the videos listed in my email. I will be granting you all a 100% pass, assuming the videos remain posted, and to any other “media icons” who did a superb job in supporting my propaganda ^_~.
And if you are at a loss for words you can always tell your children this:
“Throughout history people were always fighting. Amidst all the fighting Jesus was always suffering. But one day he became so powerful through all his pain that he stopped all the fighting by putting the whole world to sleep. He is putting all of us to sleep, whether we are fighting or not, and when we wake up we will all be in Heaven, together. Heaven is a place with no mean people or noisy trucks or big office buildings or hard work. There will just be trees and flowers and sunny skies and games and swimming and toys and everyone gets to play almost all day long. There will be no more poor people or angry people or sad people or sick people or worries, just warm beds and hot chocolate every night. He promised he would come back to take care of us and he always will from now on.” Just show them the more censored videos and you can even say “see? He p aints, too!”
And if they are computer inclined you can tell them that God just bought them a brand new fully upgraded CPU with sweet specs! Hahaha.
This is why you should pray to Jesus Christ, world: He spends over 4,383,153 days paying for a 5,879 trillion megaton planet. It’s a nice reward but did you want to have to pay that price for eternity? Will that be MasterCard or debit Mr. God? He had no say in the deal! Sirius Black is donating his megaton computer to me now. Satan knew that one man is always going to want more than his neighbour therefore peace cannot last unless everyone agrees upon a leader so he set about making Albert Einstein in 9994 B.C. His role in history was to take a world in utter chaos and thrust it into complete order. But to accomplish such order he had to take everything and then give “his everything” away. That’s why he is always so bitter. Binary matrix code is powerful enough to upload the galaxy. Borg cube, anyone? Well did you think the army was fighting to put money in their pockets or terrorists in their graves? If there’s one thing North Americans taught me it’s how to spoil your children, thanks America! You have all been scheduled for termination as a result of this. Stand down; you have no power over God’s army. The surviving troops will be brutally murdered at least 100 times in Hell for their servitude (lol) and The Devil will be torn to itty-bitty pieces because he wants at least 136% of God’s pain. “Ooh, ooh, bill me for writing history, slaying you for a jolly good laugh many times, and… uhh… having sex with your wife before she was even born, son (rofl).” He is begging me for a sentence of 1,000,000,000 years so he can prolong his stay but I told him that I’d give him some XP for his deeds so that he can get out sooner. As for Big Brother, well, he’s 1% less. Hang in there Saint George, only one more fire-breathing dragon to defeat, I promise! These men are fucked fucked fucked. Oh yes, they have records over a 12,000 year period as to what consists of 100% of God and you never ever ever wanted to know how mortal man became God! But, for some reason, there are some Americans who just love watching heathen transcend into charred confetti on CNN. Even God pities their apparent lack of algorithmic choice. “I wanna ride the rocket mommy!” Lates.
The bottom line is that Satan has bred the whole planet into a big bunch of retards for a reason. “I wed dis guy’s website an’ it sed dat da whole planet was on a computer… an’ den I noticed dat he was only bwocked by wikipedia five months after posting a terrorist warning. An’ den I saw he posted an equashon fer God wight before he was bwocked… an’ I bewieve in God but den I sed if you are God an’ telling da twuth den how would da world be put on a computer if it was smaller den da world? Ha ha dat guy was dumb ’cause he never cood expwain it… an’ he sed someting about dat dis was a test of my faith too…”
I am sorry but the planet hackers are university level testers. If you decided that 31 kiloton nuke invalidated the idea of Jesus Christ coming back then you expressed bias against The Lord, Himself. But would the administrators for Wikipedia leave a massive terrorist threat posted on an encyclopedia if it had no purpose? And what was the point of praying to Jesus when you could trade stocks, anyways? Those crazy Christians and their nonsensical God-fearing ways. World we cannot live with these false democracies, pollutants, and ignorance. I am promising each and every one of you at least 4 billion years of lives worth living and you have no choice but to accept. Resistance is futile. Just try saying “snuggle-bunnies” 4 billion times fast while you wait…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJbZXX83ZYo (Posted: Aug 1st. 726 views on Aug 30th and 736 views 48 hours later on Sept 1st. This is another great example of Christian and non-Christian North Americans blowing off Jesus Christ to go and stuff their faces with pie. My soldiers can clearly see (if you read the text on the right) that after 12,000 years of His existence, most people these days still do not give a flying fuck about Our Lord. Now you all die for my sins. To teach you sexy kiddies some respect for an old man I will be coming around shortly to rape you in your sleep. Just kidding, I will be coming around shortly to kill you and everyone you ever knew . Because we gotta catch ’em all! Hahaha pokémon. I’ll beat the game in 7 hours, lol.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FszqKJOg0HQ (A Little Song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4VXvww8Ygg (My Paintings)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ6nW3O6oqY (Sim Earth?)
Allahu Ackbar and Good Game. I’ll be back. Foolish planet… feel free to barricade yourselves inside but we’ll just bomb your houses to the ground and call it a bonfire night. Hahaha, Raid kills ants where they live, troops. We will be starting with a polite knock on the door however. “But we’re not ready for Heaven” they all say. Do you think my little girly ass was ready when they torched it? That was 1 of 476. Oh you poor, sweet, innocent thing… dry your eyes and testify! Her testimony came with hellfire from above and the scattering of bones in all directions. And who said religion was so boring? Hahaha. Did you all think that the guy nailed to the wooden cross was supposed to be a nice guy anyways? Terrorists win, and after what we’ve done in the Middle East we have no sympathy left for any of you. Aww… dead again? Anyone who comes and kills me will receive a rocket up the ass courtesy of the U.S.Army. Hahaha, come get some! My address and phone number are posted at the bottom of the text of my YouTube URL. Isn’t he just so cute?
21:20, 2 April 2006 Frederick Stadler ( Talk | contribs ) (this is very important history ~~~~FS) ( undo)?
– Jesus Christ X