Bernestscopes 2

This time in Chinese mode….ignore them at your own fukn peril….
RAT: listen up and listen good rat bastard..the ONLY way outta this mess is to gnaw your own leg off. next time try thinking about something besides your own hunger and maybe you won’t have to be feeding off yourself. stay away from cabbage and purple foods.
OX: sometimes a lumbering beast is just that, and ballet shoes, my friend, don’t make your dance look more graceful. try living in your own big, stinking hide, dung marks and all. you might find you attract exactly what your looking for. (but didn’t know you needed.)
GOAT: if you try once, try again AND again. while you personally find yourself hardworking, don’t make the rest of us laugh out loud. come on, sitting around smelling your own ass won’t put dandalions on the table. otherwise not bad as bad goes.
DRAGON: today is your lucky day. tomorrow ain’t. keep your wallet tucked up in your scales. your also nothing but a sucker for any good story tomorrow so try not listening, at least for a minute. good luck tough guy/gal. by the way, that firebreathing does make you look gay and ironically you might be. really.
RABBIT: excellent to be you. relax and enjoy all those perversions you’ve been restraining. all that patience deserves an orgy. have one and don’t forget to tell me where. yum.
MONKEY: now we all know you can blow yourself and your sorta cute even when throwing your doo doo. just don’t antagonize relatives with your ability to succeed while flinging crap everywhere. it ain’t that easy for the rest of us.
DOG: time to go. i dunno where but you do even if your playing dumb because you feel like being lazy and comfortable. sometimes you gotta do what you don’t want to. now like. before you are UNABLE. also, your shoes need spiffin up. you look like a bum.
PIG: oh yes indeedeedoo. you are hot like… well a baked potato sans butter, cause your health could be in trouble if your not attentive to it. great looks fade hard over time, you seen mickey roarke lately? get up and get hot, as in a puddle of sweat from your flabby ass.
SNAKE: don’t worry. you have been right all along but you cannot help those that think your a fuckhead. try not being a fuckhead and maybe they will forget and then you can really stop worrying. and forget whatever you were about to spend way too much money on, next week you will need it. trust me.
TIGER: seems you forgot your place. at the front. tigers acting like you have been lately are called pussycats. puff up that puny chest or tiny breasts and shake it like you mean it. no one can compete with your given rights, even if they don’t get it. your lucky number is 8675309.
ROOSTER: all bets are off for your week. unless your betting something bizarre is about to happen. you may become president of a bannana republic or be incarcerated in the aforementioned republics hoosgow. think carefully before you plot something that could end up in either/or/and sitchiation. maybe buying one of those plastic hotubs with the weird moulded shapes in it is a better idea.
HORSE: chances are nothing more than a disaster in the making. guess what you need? anyway, disasters always lead to greatness or men with one testicle. either way, chances are your only chance and testicles don’t buy you love anymore than money. but that said, they are swinging so marvelous huh….two eggs over easy with a warm bannana.