An Open Letter to People Who Drive Everywhere They Go

First, without knowing you or the specifics of your situation, in general, I can say that I despise you. Sure, there are exceptions to my acidic feelings towards all of you oil burners, but really it is easier to tell you the reasons why I have such feelings of loathing for so many of you self centered hypocrites. So, to begin…
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. I don’t own a car, I sold my last car four years ago and for the most part I haven’t missed it. I ride a bicycle, a skateboard, walk, or run to where I need to go. If I need to go further, it’s pretty easy and economical to catch a bus. I can even put my bike on the bus. This week alone I’ve been to multiple towns without a car. The problem isn’t with inadequate public transportation; the problem is with all of you thoughtless drivers. This is my second point.
Riding a bicycle should be a pleasant and all around feel good situation. By being on a bike, I’m not polluting the environment, I’m not contributing to traffic problems, I’m keeping myself healthy, and I’m putting myself closer to the beauty of our land and the friendliness of our population. You should be thanking me!
Unfortunately, riding a bicycle is often not pleasant at all. I’m not referring to the steep uphills, the frequent weather changes, or the sometimes strong headwinds. No, the problem is you, the drivers. Sure, the Department of Transportation is partly to blame. When I was riding my bike the other day, the bike lane was fenced off leaving no room for bicycles except in one of the two lanes. So, for the short stretch that there was no bike lane, I moved into one of the two lanes. That was when one of you drivers decided to stay in the lane I was in and rather than waiting fifteen seconds for me to get back to where a bike lane exists, layed on the horn and tailgated my bicycle while revving her engine. Just to make things clear, the driver was one of you.
Several more of you have done the same thing to me on where I live! There are several sections of my road where there is not a bike lane or a paved sidewalk. Believe me, I appreciate you guys blowing your horns at me as I am pedaling up hill. Thanks for your patience and concern!
This brings me to my third point. If you drive a car everywhere you go, you are probably overweight. Strike that, you are probably fat. Statistically, since you are American, you are probably fat anyway. You, who ride in a car by yourselves, drive to the convenience store three blocks away, drive to work, drive to the park, drive to the movies, and drive everywhere else are contributing to the most dangerous epidemic of our times. The epidemic of obesity. By traveling while sitting on your glutious maximus, you are ensuring that the health care system is going to collapse. And you are going to die a miserable death after a miserable obese life. While this might sound like good news for bicyclists, its not because the chances are that you are breeding multiple heavyweight drivers to take your place.
Of course, my fourth point addresses this, by driving everywhere you are making it essential that we ‘stay the course’ in Iraq so that we can control enough oil to get your flatulence making girth from point A to point B. As a result, I suppose it is good that you are breeding so many young men and women to replace all the young men and women who are dying in Iraq so that you can drive your Bush and Big Oil supporting economy killer around town.
Fifth, No matter what kind of a gas guzzler you are driving, if you are driving when you could be walking or riding a bike or taking the bus, you are destroying the beauty of the United States and the World. If you have to drive, can’t you at least get something that gets better than 20 miles to the gallon? Personally, I love our land…I know lots of you say that you do, but come on, if you really loved it maybe you would sell that big truck that for some reason I don’t understand, our culture seems to think is really cool. Trust me the pictures of elephants, maps of the world, or ‘local girl’ sticker on the back of that monstrosity doesn’t change the fact that you are killing our planet.
To Summarize:
First: You drive everywhere and I loathe you for it
Second: Your lack of patience and compassion makes bicycling unpleasant for everyone
Third: You are probably fat because you drive everywhere you go
Fourth: Driving a car unnecessarily supports our ridiculous war in Iraq
Fifth: Driving ain’t cool, big trucks ain’t cool, killing the planet ain’t cool
Finally, I’ve always believed that it is wrong to criticize without offering potential solutions. Here are five answers to the five issues above.
First: Don’t drive unless you have to. Take the bus, ride a bike, or walk.
Second: Show some love to the people that aren’t driving, even if you are driving.
Third: If you don’t drive as much, you will lose weight.
Fourth: Lower the demand for oil by…you guessed it…not driving
Fifth: If you have to drive, get a Yaris, a Smartcar, or a Prius. Something small, economical, and quiet. (A brand new Yaris is only $10K!)
Now I have to admit something…I probably don’t hate you, I just hate the results of what you are doing. Now get a bike and get the DOT to fix our bike lanes. I’d like to see you on a bike or talk with you on the bus, it would be nice to have the chance to talk story and show you some appreciation and love.
Chris Damitio