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I am Disturbed

I am disturbed that whatever art I make will probably be used to sell something at some point in the future. This is only true if my art is deemed good or popular. I am disturbed that success is so narrowly defined in the society that I live in. Essentially economic success is the only success that matters. I am disturbed that there is nowhere on the planet that I can go where I can escape my society if I choose to. I am disturbed that this means there is essentially no longer a way for human beings to ‘wipe the slate’ clean without having to worry about the old slate being discovered. The digital signature. I am disturbed by this, not because my past haunts me, but because it means that there is not room for error. The pressure is on and the pressure disturbs me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qm28Vey5LY4]

I am disturbed by the artificial limitations that have replaced limitations of technology and limitations of scope. What I mean by this is I am disturbed that it is easier to make films than ever before because of the technology but more difficult than ever before because of licensing, releases, liability, and other artificial barriers. Now you can do more, but you can’t really. In fact, you can actually do less. The same goes for travel, it is easier to travel anywhere from anywhere but it is actually harder because you can’t just get on a freighter or get a flight. You must go through security, you must have clearances, you must use the proper channels, and you must do it all with a credit card and letting people in charge know how you are doing what you are doing and why. You can now go anywhere but not really. I am disturbed by this.

I am disturbed by the fact that other people don’t seem to be disturbed by all of this. I am disturbed by the fact that I have to get food from the store made by people I don’t know, handled by countless people, and containing unknown ingredients. I am disturbed that it is so difficult to get my own food now. I am disturbed by the expense of school and the expense of life and the expense of everything else. I am disturbed by my own lack of ‘success’ even though I am also disturbed that I give any sort of credence to the same concept of success. I am disturbed that I don’t have a car but more disturbed by the fact that I seem to think I need one. I am disturbed by the fact that I am so disturbed by so many things.

 

10 replies on “I am Disturbed”

Again, my friend, you seem to be able to say what I think/feel, but do so in a far lovelier way than I ever could.

As you began this by speaking about art, this touched on something that has been bubbeling to the surface of all that Disturbes me. In the world we live in now, you and I are presented with the opportunity to pursue art with far fewer restrictions, since artists are now acceptable in any walk of life, and without any formal training. However, though we are FREE-ER to be artists, modern society has so over-commercialized art that everyone keeps telling me that I can make $$ in art, by selling the “Images” through websites, to be mass-produced on t-shirts, posters, etc. And, when I expressed distaste at the thought that the paintings I have bled my soul into would be plastered all over coffee-cups, to be sipped by morons who don’t give a flying fuck what I went through to bring that particular work of art out…… and I am compensated by a few cents for each t-shirt, coffee cup, calendar. etc that sells……. then people think I’m being an “Art Snob”, and I should be ashamed for not just taking the obvious and easy road.

Yes, I am disturbed as well.

Again, my friend, you seem to be able to say what I think/feel, but do so in a far lovelier way than I ever could.

As you began this by speaking about art, this touched on something that has been bubbeling to the surface of all that Disturbes me. In the world we live in now, you and I are presented with the opportunity to pursue art with far fewer restrictions, since artists are now acceptable in any walk of life, and without any formal training. However, though we are FREE-ER to be artists, modern society has so over-commercialized art that everyone keeps telling me that I can make $$ in art, by selling the “Images” through websites, to be mass-produced on t-shirts, posters, etc. And, when I expressed distaste at the thought that the paintings I have bled my soul into would be plastered all over coffee-cups, to be sipped by morons who don’t give a flying fuck what I went through to bring that particular work of art out…… and I am compensated by a few cents for each t-shirt, coffee cup, calendar. etc that sells……. then people think I’m being an “Art Snob”, and I should be ashamed for not just taking the obvious and easy road.

Yes, I am disturbed as well.

They say the world’s a much simpler place these days. They’re wrong. Sometimes it gets so suffocating how we live under these rules that society creates. The most horrible part is that we don’t understand the soul of these rules. We’re all like machines or worker ants trying to get through.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’d happier if I went on the road, with nothing much mind you, absolutely nothing, free from the voices that tell me what to want. I wonder sometimes: we’re free but it feels like we don’t know what freedom is.

Maybe I’ve done it wrong, but these past four years on the road, out of that western society – I feel as if I’ve only learned more constraints and ways that my freedom is an illusion +Carlos Lwanga. I am ready to go back and re-enter my own society and see how these experiences have reshaped my experience of them. Sometimes if feels like the only true freedom would come from complete solitude – an existence away from all other beings and their expectations, desires, and social constraints. I’d like to be David Bowie’s Major Tom and I wonder if I would simply shut the radio down and drift in my tin can.

They say the world’s a much simpler place these days. They’re wrong. Sometimes it gets so suffocating how we live under these rules that society creates. The most horrible part is that we don’t understand the soul of these rules. We’re all like machines or worker ants trying to get through.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’d happier if I went on the road, with nothing much mind you, absolutely nothing, free from the voices that tell me what to want. I wonder sometimes: we’re free but it feels like we don’t know what freedom is.

Maybe I’ve done it wrong, but these past four years on the road, out of that western society – I feel as if I’ve only learned more constraints and ways that my freedom is an illusion +Carlos Lwanga. I am ready to go back and re-enter my own society and see how these experiences have reshaped my experience of them. Sometimes if feels like the only true freedom would come from complete solitude – an existence away from all other beings and their expectations, desires, and social constraints. I’d like to be David Bowie’s Major Tom and I wonder if I would simply shut the radio down and drift in my tin can.

I understand being disturbed by all of these things. I’m reading Your Money or Your Life, which was so popular and published in 1991 but it’s true as ever. We’ve all been brainwashed (at least Americans have) that money is a measure of worth, which is completely insane. I remember being taught that I wasn’t as worthy as a kid because I couldn’t buy real keds or because my family shopped at KMart and then I remember feeling as if I was worth more when I was with my dad, who had more money and drove a Lexus. Both of the ideas were ridiculous but they were imprinted into my brain. I think it’s up to us to change this values system not by entirely rejecting or embracing money but by recognizing it’s true value, which is simply an exchange rate for life energy. I’ll expend so much of my life energy to get that watch (or flight or book or cigar or cup of coffee). If Americans changed their perspective on money and it’s value it would change everything, including how and what art is used to sell products. It’s all in education, self education, self awareness, soul searching, not taking the easy way out and understanding that there is a continuum for when pleasure becomes pain and to know where that threshold is…..

I understand being disturbed by all of these things. I’m reading Your Money or Your Life, which was so popular and published in 1991 but it’s true as ever. We’ve all been brainwashed (at least Americans have) that money is a measure of worth, which is completely insane. I remember being taught that I wasn’t as worthy as a kid because I couldn’t buy real keds or because my family shopped at KMart and then I remember feeling as if I was worth more when I was with my dad, who had more money and drove a Lexus. Both of the ideas were ridiculous but they were imprinted into my brain. I think it’s up to us to change this values system not by entirely rejecting or embracing money but by recognizing it’s true value, which is simply an exchange rate for life energy. I’ll expend so much of my life energy to get that watch (or flight or book or cigar or cup of coffee). If Americans changed their perspective on money and it’s value it would change everything, including how and what art is used to sell products. It’s all in education, self education, self awareness, soul searching, not taking the easy way out and understanding that there is a continuum for when pleasure becomes pain and to know where that threshold is…..

The you you claim is disturbed is inconstant, unreal, and unconnected to anything real. However, you will not be able to think your way out of this particular thought box. It does help, however, to realize that if the self that is disturbed is false, then the disturbance is also false, and all is well that is real.

Drop it, as worry will have no more hold on you than when you pass a supposedly haunted house.

Plant your garden, enjoy fresh eggs from your chickens, let your thoughts run free…they are not so deeply rutted you would really want to call them “you”.

No place to garden? No place for chickens? Way makes way. You’re already one of my favorite examples of that philosophy.

And might as well make a fucking film about taking control of your food and all the rest. The world still has some size, you could always run off and join that amazonian tribe that never met anyone.

The you you claim is disturbed is inconstant, unreal, and unconnected to anything real. However, you will not be able to think your way out of this particular thought box. It does help, however, to realize that if the self that is disturbed is false, then the disturbance is also false, and all is well that is real.

Drop it, as worry will have no more hold on you than when you pass a supposedly haunted house.

Plant your garden, enjoy fresh eggs from your chickens, let your thoughts run free…they are not so deeply rutted you would really want to call them “you”.

No place to garden? No place for chickens? Way makes way. You’re already one of my favorite examples of that philosophy.

And might as well make a fucking film about taking control of your food and all the rest. The world still has some size, you could always run off and join that amazonian tribe that never met anyone.

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