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Bond. Commercial James Bond that Sucks Skyfall Balls

shitfallThe Buddha said it best – desire leads to suffering but it was someone else that said great anticipation leads to great disappointment. I’m not sure who that was, but it wasn’t Daniel Craig or Sam Mendes, though it might have been Javier Bardin in one of his ultra creepy baddie roles.

I’m a huge fan of the Bond franchise. I admit it. I like the booze, the womanizing, the guns, and the tricky gadgets. I love that the bad guys are almost always sympathetic but very bad guys and the beautiful women usually end up nude – no matter which side they are playing on. I like James Bond as an archetype – the unflappable gentleman who always has a clever answer and when he does show a moment of human decency, it strikes a chord since it is really such a rare thing.

With all of that, it’s no surprise that I’ve seen all the Bond films. Sean Connery, is of course the first and the best but after him, I tend to like the least liked and least remembered Bonds. If he had been given a chance, I think George Lazenby may well have eclipsed Connery as the best Bond, but most people don’t even know about his one film “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” which might have been the best of the entire franchise. Of course, the fact that I liked the way Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan both played Bond might tell you something. I have friends who have collected the entire Bond series except for those with Dalton and Brosnan saying “They’re not really Bond films”

But on to Skyfall. Personally, I found it to be an awful big load of crap cobbled together to generate advertising revenue and lacking even the campy and fun elements that have always made the Bond films enjoyable.

Part of the problem might be the half hour of commercials I (and everyone else) was forced to endure prior to the film beginning. At least three of them had Daniel Craig in them and one of them had all of the Bond’s (except for Lazenby, I think.) I was exhausted before the film even began. Then there was the opening pre-credits action sequence. I was excited about this – I mean, I love Istanbul, I love Turkey, and I was excited to see how it played…

It played as “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” A train is going by the Grand Bazaar – I can accept that, I mean the trains aren’t that far away and they are on motorcycles but then….a freight train is mixed with passenger cars and the passengers are apparently all some Orientalized version of peasants who must come from Beyazit and all happen to be sitting on old fashioned wooden seats…Bond rips their car open with a backhoe that has the keys left in it and apparently the ignition is on and happens to be sitting there unsecured on a flat car. Wow, that sure was lucky.

Then, somehow in about two minutes the train is winding through beautiful Alpine forests and over vast river gorges – Bond is shot by the sexy black agent who sure sounds like an American spy instead of a British one – and then he falls into the river and apparently ends up in a tequila beach bar somewhere on the Black Sea, because it certainly wasn’t the Marmara or the Dardanelles or the Aegean – there he mopes around in bed with a doe eyed Turkish woman, wows the locals with his scorpion tequila drinking and by the way…have you ever taken a train from Istanbul? I have, it takes nearly an hour and a half to get out of the urban areas and then, at least in every direction I’ve gone there are no Mexican beach villages or massive mountain gorges…

Oh yeah..first there was the sequence where we are supposed to wonder if he is dead.

The opening credits were actually among the best made since the 1970’s. Great song and great animations. I loved the opening credits but was already feeling abused by the lack of continuity in a country that I love and the overwhelming commerciality of the film even before it began. Add to that, not a single one of the Bond girls showed so much as a nipple or ass cheek, the coolest gadget was a radio, and they destroyed a beautiful Aston Martin. This film sucked skyfall balls.

Another thing – Bond seems to feel that guns need to be thrown away when they run out of bullets. For a guy with a signature weapon, you would think he might know that more bullets could be with the next baddie.

Is a cagey old Scottish Moorman going to really be so stupid that he will use a flashlight to navigate to a place he’s lived all his life when there are bad guys trying to kill him and the woman he is trying to save? Apparently Mendes thought so – not only that but the old Scot would wave it around as if he were searching for snakes or trying to signal someone.

I saw this film in London. I was quite happy to have the chance to watch a Bond film after almost being run over by the Queen and wandering around Downing Street the day before..but it’s only too bad that this was the worst of all the Bond flicks.

Even so, it had it’s moments. The introduction of Moneypenny was a singular stroke of genius. Never was a woman more suited for a desk job. The character arc of Mallory and his relationship with Bond was the most well played aspect of the film. It’s too bad the film wasn’t about Mallory. Javier Bardin played one of the creepiest Bond baddies of them all, but unlike the great baddies – there wasn’t really anything sympathetic about him. He was kind of a creepy child-molester type and didn’t have a bit of likable – which is too bad. And, while at it – what’s the deal with the Daniel Craig baddies all having some physical deformity? I kind of like the villains whole and it seems sort of fucked up to put that on people with physical imperfections.

The film was riddled with continuity and factual errors and looked as if it was made up on the fly with only the premise of “Let’s get rid of the old lady and introduce some old characters as if they are new.” As for the new ‘Q’ – if they wanted Johnny Depp they should have asked him not found a 1988 lookalike.

This was a magical film because not only did the train manage to travel out of Istanbul’s urban sprawl (close to 20 million people) in a few minutes, but it also managed to transport the train over 900 kilometers away to the Varda Bridge near Adana in Southern Turkey. That’s nearly a 12 hour drive for most people, but then I guess James Bond has become the new Harry Potter.

22 replies on “Bond. Commercial James Bond that Sucks Skyfall Balls”

I absolutely agree with you. It’s nice to know that there’s somebody else out there who actually thinks this movie is not as good as it should be. I feel cheated watching this movie. Nothing great about it, except in my case, the Shanghai panorama. That’s about it. Other than that I feel like I’m watching part Taken 2 (when Bond ran through the Turkish roof), part The Avengers (when Bardem locked in a glass prison like Loki), part Dark Knight (when Bardem stormed through the hearing wearing police disguise with guns, somewhat reminding me of Joker) . I I will not watch another Bond movie in my lifetime no matter how good the critics said it is or how much money it makes as long as there’s no female nudity (at least nipples and butt come on) and non-deformed sympathetic vilain (Bond deserved cooler villain) and no stupid ‘flash-light-here-I-am-kill-me’ moments. I’m traumatized to life and will never ever believe, much less read, any film critics and film magazines who said this is a good movie. Again, nice to know I’m not nuts. Everyone who thinks this movie is the best Bond movie should go to an asylum or something. That might include a hell of a lot of British moviegoers and the world in general as it is now among the highest moneygetters of all time.

I know…you point out the most amazing part of this film – the critical acclaim. Either people are getting stupider (likely) or there was a huge payout to critics (and how did I miss out on that?).

I absolutely agree with you. It’s nice to know that there’s somebody else out there who actually thinks this movie is not as good as it should be. I feel cheated watching this movie. Nothing great about it, except in my case, the Shanghai panorama. That’s about it. Other than that I feel like I’m watching part Taken 2 (when Bond ran through the Turkish roof), part The Avengers (when Bardem locked in a glass prison like Loki), part Dark Knight (when Bardem stormed through the hearing wearing police disguise with guns, somewhat reminding me of Joker) . I I will not watch another Bond movie in my lifetime no matter how good the critics said it is or how much money it makes as long as there’s no female nudity (at least nipples and butt come on) and non-deformed sympathetic vilain (Bond deserved cooler villain) and no stupid ‘flash-light-here-I-am-kill-me’ moments. I’m traumatized to life and will never ever believe, much less read, any film critics and film magazines who said this is a good movie. Again, nice to know I’m not nuts. Everyone who thinks this movie is the best Bond movie should go to an asylum or something. That might include a hell of a lot of British moviegoers and the world in general as it is now among the highest moneygetters of all time.

I know…you point out the most amazing part of this film – the critical acclaim. Either people are getting stupider (likely) or there was a huge payout to critics (and how did I miss out on that?).

Sean Connery is “of course” the best? We’re supposed to blindly accept this as fact? Because I don’t.

[“The introduction of Moneypenny was a singular stroke of genius. Never was a woman more suited for a desk job.”]

Just reading this statement pissed me off. Moneypenny made a decent agent. She knew that her shot wasn’t clean and told M. But the latter ordered her to make the shot anyway. Bond knew this . . . and yet, told her that she wasn’t suited to be an agent, because his ass ended up shot.

Who in the hell was he to tell Moneypenny that she wasn’t suited to be an agent, after she had saved his ass in Macao? And there is the fact that Bond failed to recover the list of NATO agents and save M’s life, because the idiot failed to get backup in Scotland, other than an aging gameskeeper.

Bond should have ended up as the new M’s secretary, not Moneypenny. He was sheer incompetence in this movie.

You’re right! I will certainly be happy to check out the next movie – as long as it’s about Moneypenny.

Sean Connery is “of course” the best? We’re supposed to blindly accept this as fact? Because I don’t.

[“The introduction of Moneypenny was a singular stroke of genius. Never was a woman more suited for a desk job.”]

Just reading this statement pissed me off. Moneypenny made a decent agent. She knew that her shot wasn’t clean and told M. But the latter ordered her to make the shot anyway. Bond knew this . . . and yet, told her that she wasn’t suited to be an agent, because his ass ended up shot.

Who in the hell was he to tell Moneypenny that she wasn’t suited to be an agent, after she had saved his ass in Macao? And there is the fact that Bond failed to recover the list of NATO agents and save M’s life, because the idiot failed to get backup in Scotland, other than an aging gameskeeper.

Bond should have ended up as the new M’s secretary, not Moneypenny. He was sheer incompetence in this movie.

You’re right! I will certainly be happy to check out the next movie – as long as it’s about Moneypenny.

Even though I agree with your low opinion of “SKYFALL”, I don’t agree with your assessment of Eve Moneypenney. She was a very competent agent, whose self esteem was undermined by Bond’s disgruntled comments over what happened in Istanbul. She knew it was not a clean shot and said so to M. It was M who ordered her to take the shot. Bond knew this, but insulted Moneypenny anyway. That angered me.

Even though I agree with your low opinion of “SKYFALL”, I don’t agree with your assessment of Eve Moneypenney. She was a very competent agent, whose self esteem was undermined by Bond’s disgruntled comments over what happened in Istanbul. She knew it was not a clean shot and said so to M. It was M who ordered her to take the shot. Bond knew this, but insulted Moneypenny anyway. That angered me.

I really wanted to re-ignite my love for the James Bond franchise, especially after the disasters of Casino Royale, & Quantum of Solace. And I remember telling myself then. that I would never allow myself to be insulted again, if not disgusted, with such horrible offerings from the franchise.

Yet, I still fell for it. Like many of the fans would.

Skyfall, fails in many aspects. [spoiler alert]
The arc of the story revolves around the idea of a former agent who’s taking revenge on M, his handler, with Bond getting caught in the middle.

The plot holes are glaring.

1. There was no explanation why Bond decided to pretend being dead after being shot at on top of the train. As an agent, he must have experienced near-death experience many times before, yet what made this situation different from the previous ones was not explained. A girl? His aging body?

2. A Casino is built like a fortress, with bazillions of security guards patrolling. But in the floating casino scene, Bond only fought 3 of them, in the open public area. What happened to the rest?

3. A Komodo dragon in the pit below, don’t attack people the way it’s shown in the movie. Only crocodiles do that.

4. Why would the character Severine had sex with Bond? There wasn’t any attraction at all between the two of them. Neither of them tried to seduce each other, not even at the Casino. If she was being assigned to lure Bond into Silva’s hiding place, then why did the men in Casino need to try to kill Bond for? Just for the sake of theatrical believability, is it?

5. The biggest hole in the plot is when Silva decided to blow-up M’s office, with full control of their internal computer system. I’m sure that with such control, he would be able to detect when M is or is not using the computer in her office. Why did Silva let M escape the bombing?

6. Of all places, that an agent of 007’s level and M’s-stature in the agency could ever selected, in any parts of the world to lure Silva, they chose Bond’s old house in Scotland. The place provides no logical sense in terms of tactical planning nor reasoning. And apparently there’s no backup that they wish to accompany them at all.

You see, this Bond franchise is trying to be ‘real’ instead of fancy. Thus such realism should be afforded likewise.

I agree almost completely. I do think though that they gave a sort of answer as to why Bond chose to remain dead – he is bitter over having heard M say “Take the Shot’ when Eve tells her that she might hit Bond. NOt a valid reason though for Bond to act like a sulky schoolgirl. It’s time for a new hero…Bond really is dead and has been since Brosnan left the franchise.

I really wanted to re-ignite my love for the James Bond franchise, especially after the disasters of Casino Royale, & Quantum of Solace. And I remember telling myself then. that I would never allow myself to be insulted again, if not disgusted, with such horrible offerings from the franchise.

Yet, I still fell for it. Like many of the fans would.

Skyfall, fails in many aspects. [spoiler alert]
The arc of the story revolves around the idea of a former agent who’s taking revenge on M, his handler, with Bond getting caught in the middle.

The plot holes are glaring.

1. There was no explanation why Bond decided to pretend being dead after being shot at on top of the train. As an agent, he must have experienced near-death experience many times before, yet what made this situation different from the previous ones was not explained. A girl? His aging body?

2. A Casino is built like a fortress, with bazillions of security guards patrolling. But in the floating casino scene, Bond only fought 3 of them, in the open public area. What happened to the rest?

3. A Komodo dragon in the pit below, don’t attack people the way it’s shown in the movie. Only crocodiles do that.

4. Why would the character Severine had sex with Bond? There wasn’t any attraction at all between the two of them. Neither of them tried to seduce each other, not even at the Casino. If she was being assigned to lure Bond into Silva’s hiding place, then why did the men in Casino need to try to kill Bond for? Just for the sake of theatrical believability, is it?

5. The biggest hole in the plot is when Silva decided to blow-up M’s office, with full control of their internal computer system. I’m sure that with such control, he would be able to detect when M is or is not using the computer in her office. Why did Silva let M escape the bombing?

6. Of all places, that an agent of 007’s level and M’s-stature in the agency could ever selected, in any parts of the world to lure Silva, they chose Bond’s old house in Scotland. The place provides no logical sense in terms of tactical planning nor reasoning. And apparently there’s no backup that they wish to accompany them at all.

You see, this Bond franchise is trying to be ‘real’ instead of fancy. Thus such realism should be afforded likewise.

I agree almost completely. I do think though that they gave a sort of answer as to why Bond chose to remain dead – he is bitter over having heard M say “Take the Shot’ when Eve tells her that she might hit Bond. NOt a valid reason though for Bond to act like a sulky schoolgirl. It’s time for a new hero…Bond really is dead and has been since Brosnan left the franchise.

A few things about the above comments:
1) Yes, Moneypenny was such a brilliant field agent that she couldn’t be bothered to kill the bad guy on the train even after Bond was no longer in the way and
2) When listing other, non-Bond movies that Skyfall stole from – I’m sorry, I mean “paid homage to” – it would be an oversight not to include the film Mr. Mendes based the entire last act of the movie on: Home Alone (seriously).

A few things about the above comments:
1) Yes, Moneypenny was such a brilliant field agent that she couldn’t be bothered to kill the bad guy on the train even after Bond was no longer in the way and
2) When listing other, non-Bond movies that Skyfall stole from – I’m sorry, I mean “paid homage to” – it would be an oversight not to include the film Mr. Mendes based the entire last act of the movie on: Home Alone (seriously).

Ok, I won’t comment on most of these because, lol, just about Monneypenny sounding like an American agent? You’re kidding right? Her english accent is thicker than anyone else’s in the movie, the actress actually IS british, if you want to think about an all-american agent in a Bond movie, the real stereotype would be Halle Berry, certainly not Naomie Harris, whose performance is brillant by the way. Starting your review (well, lynching in fact) with the fact that the scenery is not realistic is ridiculous, it’s the case in most action movies, not because the directors are stupid but because they have a precise view of what they want, and sometimes they can’t find it in the same place, the public just doesn’t care. Another thing nobody cares about? The fact that Ben Wishaw happens to look like a younger Johny Depp (which is not entirely true by the way), his Q is nothing like any of Depp’s roles. And DNM, have you ever tried to shot a moving target on a speeding train without a good angle? Let me know when you have, please, I’d like a video.

Ok, I won’t comment on most of these because, lol, just about Monneypenny sounding like an American agent? You’re kidding right? Her english accent is thicker than anyone else’s in the movie, the actress actually IS british, if you want to think about an all-american agent in a Bond movie, the real stereotype would be Halle Berry, certainly not Naomie Harris, whose performance is brillant by the way. Starting your review (well, lynching in fact) with the fact that the scenery is not realistic is ridiculous, it’s the case in most action movies, not because the directors are stupid but because they have a precise view of what they want, and sometimes they can’t find it in the same place, the public just doesn’t care. Another thing nobody cares about? The fact that Ben Wishaw happens to look like a younger Johny Depp (which is not entirely true by the way), his Q is nothing like any of Depp’s roles. And DNM, have you ever tried to shot a moving target on a speeding train without a good angle? Let me know when you have, please, I’d like a video.

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