Categories
America Oddities

The Pyramid Conspiracy Theorist aka The Smartest Man in the World

The smartest man in the world came into my shop today – he didn’t overtly say he was the smartest man in the world, but it was obvious he had the answers to everything. Jesuits, he was ready to tell me about their conspiracy. He told me how the Ancient Egyptians were actually Aryans and used swastikas in their ancient ceremonies and all about how the Jews we consider the Jews weren’t really the Jews at all because the real Jews were all black. He told me about an upside down pyramid in Alaska and Pyramids in Mississippi and Missouri and how there are pyramids on every continent buried under piles of dirt and how he someday wants to travel to them all and light them with strings of LED lights but not to tell Mark Burnett because he would steal the reality show idea from him (oops, oh well, he probably isn’t reading this – not Burnett or the smartest man in the world). Oh the things he told me – and all of that without me even asking to be told anything at all! In fact, when he started to tell me anything at all, I kept saying “I don’t want to know about any of that, I just want to watch reality TV and live in this little town where nothing happens. He told me about big cities and dangerous neighborhoods and he told me about the real problems in the world and how companies can be profitable and what I should buy to sell in my shop. He told me about how Mermaids were dangerous and would eat you (if they were real) and then told me that they are real and he has seen videos of them circling around oil rigs waiting to eat the workers. He told me about more pyramids and how they were obvious and everyone knew about them but people chose to just overlook them and so he was going to expose them (again) with LED lights.

It was exhausting trying to get the smartest man in the world to stop telling me things. I tried every polite trick in the world, but none of them worked. He showed me pictures on his phone that I didn’t ask to see. Finally, he left. I prefer to not be around such smart people. I’m very tired of being trapped in my shop when they come to share their knowledge with me. Yes, I’m almost through with this aspect of my life. That knowledge is all that I need at present, thank you very much.

Categories
America Oddities

Creepy Clowns – Collective Psychosis Manifesting (in ways that aren’t Donald Trump)

I think it’s fair to say that our collective psychosis has been on display for a while now – first let me define the words
psychosis- a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
collective – all of us, together, as a whole

So, our collective psychosis is our societal loss with reality. I can think of countless examples..
unfettered capitalism
war leading to peace
trickle down economics
government sponsored insurance corporations
lack of campaign finance control
student debt
privatized ‘for profit’ prisons
planetary rape despite climate change
denial of climate change
school shootings
road rage
glorification of ‘anti-heroes’

The list could go on and on…these are dangerous delusions. Native American people called this psychic disease ‘wetico’ – it’s been with us for a long time, but the most obvious symptom is the individuals dissociation with reality – the adoption and often violent defense of what is obviously not true. There is a painfully obvious denial of one’s connection to the rest of our species, our biosphere, our universe, our reality. Those suffering from it exist in a universe where they are completely alone and only their needs, wants, and desires matter. Donald Trump is a good example of a full blown case…the support of him would seem to support a mass outbreak affecting huge swaths of the population. The recent outbreak of creepy clown sightings – in my opinion – are a visual manifestation of our broken psyches – a visual hallucination shared by a cohort of severely traumatized individuals who are struggling to make sense of an increasingly insane outer world. Are they real? I’ve no idea – if they are real, it is just another sign of our collective madness – a real world symptom of the breakdown of the human consciousness. If they are not real – it really doesn’t matter. The creepy clown in chief is right there in front of us all, placed there by one of the powerful institutions we are supposed to put our trust in. I’m not sure there is a cure for the illness we suffer – like those movies where people are exposed to an evil video tape and it tags them for death – I think our greed, our inflated sense of self importance, our acceptance of evil as necessary for the good, our delusions – all of it has been spread with the speed of a California wildfire after six years of drought amidst heavy Santa Ana winds via the internet, binge watching television, and smart phones. No video tape necessary, just a wifi connection. Don’t expect the clown sightings to go away. A few years ago, I had a website called Clownjazeera – I wanted to make a news site where creepy clowns did the news – deadpan, with no explanation. It never happened, which is probably a good thing. Here on this site, my obsession with creepy clowns manifested on this site too…there are a lot of creepy clowns on this site from around the 2005-2008 period…my only conclusion is that I’ve been suffering from this disease for longer than most – to quote a man named Skeeter who I once interviewed about his organization ‘Friends of the Trees’ “The bad news is that the world is headed towards hell in a handbasket. The good news (if good news there be) is that more people are aware of it.”

Categories
Oddities Politics

Thank God for Stupid Terrorists

On this anniversary of the September 11th attacks – which I’m sad to hear called Patriot Day – because it’s not about patriotism – it’s about a heinous and cowardly act and mourning the innocent men, women, and children who died as a result – anyway, on this September 11th, I’d like to give thanks for stupid terrorists.

Apparently the smartest ones died in the first attacks (and those later in Europe and Africa) because since that time, there have been nothing but bumbling shoe bombers and nincompoop jihadists trying to arrange terrorist acts with FBI informants or using thier cellphones to arrange meetups. Thank god they are all apparently retarded.

There have been no successful terrorist campaigns and at the point when they look like they might be on the verge of setting up an Islamic State and having the world let them – the idiots decide it’s a perfect time to execute American journalists and make threats to the American people. Jesus H. Christ – didn’t these boobs realize that the war weary American public and the second term President would have let them create their own country and have all of Iraq and Syria (and probably much of the rest of the middle East) if they would have just left the Kurdish oil fields in peace and not taunted the most powerful, egotistical, and fearful country in the world?

Now we watch as the idiots make a mockery of themselves and get systematically bombed and bludgeoned until something smarter and less prone to provoke American fear and it’s deadly response replaces them. Fuck you Isis, you should have called yourself Shazam.

Anyway, thank god for the idiot terrorists who haven’t managed to poison our water supply even though a drunk kid in Portland managed to piss in the drinking water reservoir just several months ago.

Thank God for idiot terrorists who haven’t figured out that a truck stop or buffet would be a great place to poison a bunch of pork eating infidels. And thank god they didn’t figure out they could shut down our electric grid and freeze hundreds of seniors or derail trains carrying toxic waste through urban areas.

It’s hard to believe the terrorists are so lazy, stupid, and idiotic that they haven’t figured out they could poison our air by mixing bleach and ammonia in a confined stadium or sell a bunch of toxic waste filled containers to someone that wanted to make a few extra bucks storing it on their land bordering agricultural fields. It’s really hard to believe.

If they wanted to, it seems like they could have killed so many of us by now…but then, maybe we should thank god for our genius homeland security and the long lines at airports and the invasive searches and wire tapping that have foiled the plots we never heard of. Maybe we should thank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney for the war against terrorism.

Or maybe, the terrorists are smarter than we think – maybe they are playing the long game and just waiting for us to implode and destroy ourselves with GMO foods, carcinogenic additives, pill popping depressed grade schoolers, and narcissistic social media obsessed sociopathic teens who don’t know the difference between killing a zombie on TV and shooting a person in the park.

Either way, thank God for idiot terrorists and for the fact that since 2001, there has not been another successful mass attack on the people of the USA.

Categories
Oddities Work Writing

Kingdom of Loathing – The Best Game on the Web

Link to the Game.


Kingdom of Loathing: Virtual Society of the Spectacle

Kingdom of Loathing, located at kingdomofloathing.com, is a game that began as a joke. The joke requires some historical background in order to be understood. In 2003 online games were becoming increasingly sophisticated with 3-D type graphics, complex imaginary worlds, and sophisticated character creation systems and classes. At the same time the ‘hipster’ culture typified by such websites as ‘BoingBoing’, ‘WeMakeMoneyNotArt’, and ‘GrowABrain’ were reaching new highs in site visits and overall web popularity. Here is the joke: In 2003, a couple of hipsters created a sophisticated online game with stick figure 2-D graphics, ridiculous parody worlds that ridiculed popular culture, and ironically named character classes based on hipster culture and making fun of traditional RPG categories. This resulted in character classes such as ‘accordion thief’, ‘disco bandit’, ‘pastamancer’, and ‘saucerer’. The punch line is that despite all the ridiculous pop-culture and hipster references, Kingdom of Loathing is actually a well crafted game and has attracted more than a million players so far.

Categories
Oddities Rambling Man Archives

Ramblin’ Man: How to Throw a Handgrenade

rambling man columnY2K/ WWIII WEOPON TIP #1
by 

The world is quickly heading to hell in a hand basket. I find myself prepared for whatever should come my way. Truly. I am trained by one of the worlds foremost military forces. My mother trained my siblings and I to be world class outdoor survivalists. I’m familiar with several methods of hand to hand combat as well as handheld, vehicle mounted, and vehicle mounted weopon systems. I’ve been really poor most of my life, so I’m a master scavenger. Someone suggested that I pass some of my vast survival knowledge on to those who may need it real soon…all of you.

HOW TO THROW A HANDGRENADE.

1. Determine the type of handgrenade. If it’s round it’ s probably a fragmentation grenade, these explode into schrapnel. If it’s a cylinder it’s probably an incenidary device, these are used for burning through things. If it’s egg shaped it’s most likely for illumination, these are used to provide light for work or signaling. If it’s a cannister it is probably gas, it could be a few different kinds.

2.Grip the grenade firmly in your fist holding the safety lever firmly down under your thumb, while placing your fore finger near the top of the grenade.

3. Hook the finger of your other hand through the pin.

4. Pull the pin out by twisting and pulling.

5. Point your free arm where you would like the grenade to go. Throw the grenade and step forward to follow through.

6. Watch the Grenade as you dive to the ground.

It is important to hit the ground quickly to protect yourself from the grenade and whoever is probably shooting at you. Handgrenades are not for kids in this country although we’ve had kids in other countries throw all kinds of bombs at our military. It is important to practice. Practice grenades can be bought at most surplus stores. You should be able to throw it about 25 yards, because that’s about how far you want to be from it when it explodes. Most grenades will explode 4 to 7 seconds after the safety lever is released. Once it is released, it’s going to explode. You release the safety when you release hold of the grenade. The lever should fly with the grenade. Go see Saving Private Ryan if you want to see what a greande does to a human body.

HATEMAIL OF THE WEEK

B’hamblin man, Bumblin idjit is more like it. In a recent article you said most homeless people are homeless by choice. You also said you’d let two albanian muslims stay in your house. Why not let a couple of homeless Aids patients, heroin addicts, or mentally ill people from Bellingham. You’re a hippocrit and full of shit. Bob Andrews.

Bob, I’ll stand by my views. There are very few people in this country with no options. Food Stamps, Welfare, The Food Bank, Shelters, Missions, Soup Kitchens, Churches, and Relief organizations give people many options, many of them forbid drugs or alcohol. That is the homeless persons choice. I hope you get some medication. It’s your decision.

Categories
Oddities

In Tasmania, the Devil Now Faces Its Own Hell – New York Times

Taz

This story sent to me from Sierra Leone.

In Tasmania, the Devil Now Faces Its Own Hell – New York Times

Categories
Oddities Spirituality and Religion

Lost Tribe of Isreal in Solomon Islands

This is the kind of story that totally fascinates me…the intersection of cargo cults, Jews for Jesus, Muslims that drink alcohol and eat pork, and legends of a huge hoard of gold…awesome…and real…not television…plus the Lost Tribe of Israel in the Solomon Islands

Mysterious Israelis are buying copra in the Solomon Islands and as Michael Field reports, the Islanders believe they are the Lost Tribe of Israel.

A couple of men, one wearing a flag of Israel, have shown up in the Solomon Islands, claiming they are ready to buy copra at high prices. They?ve headed off to remote and poor Malaita Island where indigenous Melanesian people believe they are survivors of the lost tribe of Israel.

Despite science and DNA testing, the Lost Tribe myth lives on strongly in the South Pacific. It?s more than a quaint story in the Solomons; north Malaita people have rejected recent Australian aid projects, saying they are too busy growing copra for Israel.

The Lost Tribe story has a long track record here with the Encyclopaedia of New Zealand noting missionary Samuel Marsden suggesting Maori had ?sprung from some dispersed Jews?. Thomas Kendall said Maori originated in Egypt.

Te Ua Haumene who founded the Paimarire Church or Hauhauism claimed that in September 1862 the Angel Gabriel had visited him and revealed that Maori were one of the Lost Tribes.

The Israeli connection is a problem in the Solomon Islands which was the scene of a civil war on its main island of Guadalcanal where locals objected to people from Malaita moving in. The war only ended with the arrival of a regional intervention force, including New Zealand police and soldiers.

One of the combatant units, the Malaita Eagle Force (MEF) featured the Israeli flag in their iconography. A governor-general of the Solomons even made an official visit to Israel.

The Solomon Islands has been populated for around 5000 years. The first European ashore was Spaniard Alvaro de Mendana in 1568 who believed it was the site of the Biblical King Solomon Mines.

Dr Jaap Timmer of the Dutch Leiden University describes on an anthropological web discussion list serve how he had experience with the Lost Tribe movement in the Solomons.

He says archaeological and other evidence does not sustain descent from Israel: ?However, I would not deny the parallels of Old Testament and Melanesian tribal cultures, which strike Melanesians very forcefully when they read the Bible.?

Growing numbers of evangelical Christians in North Malaita believe that the Lost Temple of Israel lies hidden at a shrine that was previously used for ancestral worship in the mountainous interior of their island.

Others want to build a full-scale replica of the temple believing it is pre-ordained for a country named the Solomon Islands.

The claim frustrates mainstream churches. “Missionary Christianity is often associated with the British colonial government, European superiority, and Western ways that are believed to have polluted social life and governance in Solomon Islands.”

The Temple claim also evokes traditional land disputes, with fears that the temple would attract Israeli tourists, prompting inter-tribal jealousy.

Two disputed temple sites exist on Malaita and Anglican Bishop Terry Brown on the island says one of them is tied up with a self-proclaimed prophet and failed politician, Michael Maeliau, who leads the “Deep Sea Canoe Movement”.

He has been to Israel a number of times and has links to American neo-Israel fundamentalist groups there. Deep Sea Canoe Movement talks of taking Christianity back to Israel.

Bishop Brown says that they are serious groups.

“They, indeed, often have legitimate grievances against both governments and the more established churches,” he says.

But people could not be totally uncritical, as the groups can be dangerous. Bishop Brown recalled that the Lord’s Resistance Army of Northern Uganda started out as one such neo-Israelite movement.

“The groups and beliefs are in constant mutation and fluctuation, interacting with traditional beliefs and practices,” he says.

Mixed in are various forms of Christianity, cargo cultism and land disputes. Movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark and Rastafarianism even have a play and Bishop Brown noted that a kind of Islam was even involved.

A group from the capital Honiara claiming to be Muslim recently arrived at Malaita?s Auki, saying they had come to burn down churches. They were arrested for making a public disturbance.

“The first generation of Malaita Muslims were conventional; the second generation (many ex-MEF militants) is syncretistic, giving up, for example, neither pork nor alcohol.

“Indeed, there is some question whether they are Muslims at all. One only hopes that the Middle East situation of Jew vs. Muslim does not resurface here as Malaita Israelite vs. Malaita Muslim.”

Categories
scary clowns

Clowns are Bling Bling for the Circus

(I’m thinking of taking up the noble clowning trade…nah, never mind…cd)
clllloooowwwnnn
Funny business: Clowns are becoming true stars of circus
Once mainly sideline acts, circuses now hope to boost their bottom lines with celebrity clowns
By Kelly Crow
The Wall Street Journal
When the circus came to town this summer, the Klutz family could hardly wait. They snagged front-row tickets and got to the Las Vegas arena an hour and a half early. Nine-year-old John was the most excited of all: He wore clown makeup and a foot-high orange rubber wig his mother had bought so he could look like his favorite character.
His big moment came when Bello Nock, the vertically coiffed star of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, walked by between acts. As the Klutz family whipped out their cameras, the clown patted the boy on the head. ”Nice hair, dude,” Nock said.
To boost the bottom line, circuses are turning to a new marketing tool: the celebrity clown. Under pressure from animal-rights groups and higher costs of maintaining large beasts, and facing competition from live-action shows based on cartoon characters, the $1.8 billion industry is trying to transform these once-nameless sideline acts into major brands. Multimillion-dollar ad campaigns are focused on clowns like Nock and ”Grandma,” of New York’s Big Apple Circus.
Salt Lake Tribune – Business

Categories
Oddities

Smoke rings and Swine Flu and Missing Authors

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised God doesn’t work that way, so I stole
one and prayed for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

Okay, here are a couple of interesting things I found on the web this morning. This first one is a video of colored smoke rings colliding to create a vortex, it’s what physicists do when they smoke weed:

See more funny videos and Technology Videos at Today’s Big Thing.

Then, since we all know that the Swine Flu is going to be hitting again in the fall, why not see what you can do about it by playing this new online game in which you try to control the spread of a pandemic.

In an effort to further raise awareness, Dutch researchers have created a game that challenges players to control a new?pandemic.
“It is actually what is happening now, what is happening in the real world,” said Albert Osterhaus, head of virology at the Erasmus Medical Center, who designed “The Great Flu” game with colleagues.
The game can only be played online at http://www.thegreatflu.com and it is free. A World Health Organization spokesman said Monday the agency was not familiar with the game and had not had time to play it.

Finally, there is this interesting concept from Wired writer Evan Ratcliff. This caught my eye because I’ve been considering doing something similar, but since I don’t have $5000 or a magazine publisher to promote the fact that I am missing, I figured no one would actually care.

I’m going missing. I’m leaving behind friends, family, and everything familiar, and I’m challenging you to find me. If you do, you’ll win $5,000
Read the rest at Wired

Categories
Oddities

Guest Blogger: Marsha O on Hysterical Paroxysm

Admin note: As always, guest bloggers are welcome here at Existensis.com. Just email me with what you have and I’ll happily share it. Today’s guest blogger is Marsha O’Brien, a fitness consultant, healer, and also my mother. You can find her blog at http://marshaobrien.wordpress.com/
Hysterical paroxysm
Have you heard of this? I was rather (to say the least), shocked by this. In the Victorian era women were thought to have a malady called “hysteria.” The signs of it were fainting, dizziness, weakness, a real plethora of complaints.
Most physicians were of the male gender in Victorian times. The treatment for hysteria?
“Oh my, hide the children!”
The physician gave women manual stimulation with vibrators, massage, or water…until orgasm. It was thought that is why women had all these symptoms.
Can you imagine the doctor? I bet he kept this little remedy rather closed mouth; didn’t want to share the “wealth”, if you know what I mean. Of course it became known ultimately the whole thing was ridiculous.
I know a few crabby women who are a bit hysterical because they are not with a kind, patient, and caring man who knows “just what to do”, but I think it can be worked out between them.
You know most doctors are still “practicing physicians” I bet the doctors worked long hours in those times – without a complaint!
“I think I’m feeling faint!” 🙂