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Sarge Reveiws Haggen

Sarge
AT-TEN-TION!! First of all let me tell you that there ain’t no place that serves chow like my beloved Marine Corps. When you make 15,000 servings of macaroni and cheese, you really get it down. Back in my drill instructor days I was never easy on my recruits and I’m not gonna be easy on any of these slacker restaurants either. Tell ‘em Sarge is coming.
For my first inspection, I chose Haggen. I expected the worst, grocery stores are no place for a restaurant. I stepped into the chow line at the Asian foods. The other customers were standing further apart than they needed to be. There’s no reason to make people stand in the aisle, so I ordered them to close the gap. One old woman tried to disobey, but 15 pushups convinced her that “elbows to bellybuttons” was the better alternative. The personnel behind the counter were friendly and efficient. I noted it in my report to the editor. I ordered the orange chicken with white rice and pot stickers. On an impulse I picked up some sushi before passing through the pay station. I doubted it would be good. I asked the clerk if she liked working there. To my surprise, she smiled and said, oh, it’s great, I’m really glad I work here. Haggen runs a tight ship. Everything was spick and span, so it surprised me when the employees were not suffering from low morale. I sat in an uncomfortable cafeteria style booth. It wasn’t as comfortable as the NCO club. I summoned my willpower and tasted the horrible stuff. It was as bad as what passes for Chinese Food in Beijing…and the Sushi, it was the worst I’ve had since leaving Japan. I finished it, but dreamt of chipped beef on white toast. I left impressed none the less. They must treat they’re employees right. And the employees obviously care how the company appears to the public. They run a tight ship.
inspection scores
hygiene….10 (very clean, well managed)
efficiency….10 (average wait from entrance to eating 4.3 minutes)
consistency…10 (the food is always the same..exactly)
taste…6 (10 being as good as Marine Chowhalls)
authenticity….8 (as authentic as any I’ve had in the USA)
staff…10 (treat the troops right and they’ll love you)
That’s all for this week. Semper Fi. DIS-MISSED.

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Aquillo Mallot

Aquillo Mallot
We’re talking this issue with Aquillo Mallot, a homeless man of alternative housing. An occupational non-profit mercenary, Gypsy Moth farmer, comfrey and mullen rancher, pie rat, and surveyor of exotic substances. He currently holds the position of Bishop of the Holy Primeval Coyote Church in his space-time. Also Master of the Sacred Marriage bar none. He lives souly on food bank handouts, dead carrion alongside I-5 and visions of extraterrestrial guidance. “The Secret Chiefs told me to do it,” he says. His projects involve reviving the Old Goddess Worship down on the beach near Marine Park for Eris Kegal, the Sumerian Goddess of the underworld at 4:20in the mornings and evenings. He would also like to say, “ Half way between here and there the public is encouraged to participate in a naked funfest in Fairhaven half way between…”
Editors note: Writers of Conchsense Lee Vamial Oan and George Hush prepared questions and met with Aquillo Mallot at a secret location. The following is a transcript of that conversation. Lee Vamial Oan acted as interviewer.
LMO: How do you feel about being referred to as “homeless?”
AM: ( Laughs) I think it’s a fine and outstanding name. I think everybody should refer to me as homeless. That way there’s definition. I think we should each wear orange armbands so we can be identified by the populace and have us picking up trash daily to earn our right in this fair city. And each homeless person should be branded with a “V” for vagrant on their forehead. Like in old town England and if caught inside of the gates, again behead them and post their heads on the outside of the gate as you come into town. That’s what I think about homelessness
LMO: How do you feel when you hear a politician or some such person say anything like, “ We’ve got to do something about the homeless problem?”
AM: Well, I guess I feel like figuring out who they are, where they live, and working on their problem. That’s how I “feel”. Figuring out who they are and where they live.
LMO: Do you feel that actions taken on “ the homeless problem” threaten your way of life?
AM: Exactly.
LMO: A lot of people will refer to a homeless person as a “lazy bum”. Do you feel that laziness has anything to do with your way of life?
AM: (smiling) I am the king of laziness! I am laziness himself! The god basking in the fuckin’ sunshine, that is I. Laziness! Sloth! Indolence!
LMO: Do people you don’t know express prejudice to you?
AM: Generally always.
LMO: What, in your opinion, allows a person to perceive you in a way that raises a prejudice.
AM: Dirt level.
LMO: Dirt level?
AM: How much dirt you have on you, and how much dirt you don’t.
LMO: Do you find this attributable to an emotion?
AM: No, it’s general fear. Cultural fear. The thing about homelessness is that that’s the right in America for children to grow up killing homeless people. It’s the new right of passage in America as well as children to go into high schools and mow down their classmates. This is what I feel is happening. You know? I don’t even look at it as homeless though, that’s the main thing. You got the wrong guy as far as the homeless dude. You know? You picked the wrong fuckin’ dude. I’m just a low down clown. You know? This homeless guy- he’’ another dude….cause I carry my home in my heart. That’s the amazing thing, all those other people are homeless out there…not me. I’m just adequete shelter deprived. Unable to build my sacrificial fires and ceremonial fires wherever I need to cause I’m a holy man. You know? I have a gift. I’m bringing it to the people without a roof over my head. That’s what Jesus said, go out into the wilderness and fornicate….rapidly.
LMO: What would you say is the fundamental oppressive force that impoverishes, so to speak, people such as yourself?
AM: The W.T.O. World Trade Organization. Evil masters of the planet Earth. Or the general class system. What would be my answer to this question? Class war. You know? Which is already trying to be instigated by certain interest groups like the WTO so they can have their U.N. Goon Squad bop down in the back yard and start rounding up “homeless” people and shipping them off to the concentration camps to fuel the new Soylent Green factory dog food conspiracy. What do you think when the WTO kicks in and they sell a billion cars to China? Everybody’s going to be homeless then. ( Smiling) Everybody’s going to be living off dirt and sticks. It just changes hands. The water’s rising, better get ready. I’m building a giant ship out in Bellingham Bay, one of my projects. The center of worship. It’s going to be an underground city, just like in Star Wars.
LMO: If the group system that governs social allowance were to collapse anywhere in the next 5 years, who generally speaking , besides people with guns, do you think would have the greatest intelligence awareness for surviving in a world subject to an anarchism based on systematic collapse?
AM: Okay. This is not me speaking to you as an interviewer, this is me speaking to the audience. My people in the end times will eat your people. You’ll be food. Food and slaves. This is my idea of fun. Your world ends, mine begins. Chaos! The beast, 666! Hail Satan! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know? ( The laughter trails off in the distance)
LMO: What is the motivational factor for your lifestyle?
AM: I would say love. Love of life. The life of Riley. This guy in Ireland who went around like Diogeses. He got drunk and whored, and laid around in the country side. Not working. Just kicking back. The love of life or I have no reason to be doing what I’m doing, you know? Other than that…really, I’m leading the life of Riley. So elect me! I’ll be your mayor! Now you should get another homeless person, put them in here and back drop against me and see what a “real” homeless person will say to you. I’m here because I have to be here. Other people are there because of various drug reasons and mental problems. I have no mental problems except for digging through trash cans. ( laughs) It’s like a fetish. I have another mental problem. Megalomania. That may be another reason for my further alienation from society. I actually believe in what I do. Since other people are taught not to believe in anything unless it comes form the boss or the TV or some authority you know? I say usurp that authority, get naked, throw off your fuckin’…light sabers, you know? And come live in the wilderness with me! Come down like Til Ubinspeigal. He’s the German naturalist who lived like Robin Hood, yet he lived in the 1840’s in Germany. The stage coaches would go by and he’d ride out and take all their money. He did it so humorously that everybody laughed while he was taking their money. And he would say “ Come with me, come live with me, you don’t need this!” This was the 1840’s, he was a naturalist in the sense that he lived in the wilderness. ( Laughs) And he robbed the rich for 30 years and then of course, they had him up on the gallows. Everybody in this town knew him, so maybe a thousand people from all over the countryside turned out to see Til Ubenspiegals hanging. And even on the gallow he was laughing and everybody was laughing, you know? Love Nature!
LMO: Are you homeless by choice?
AM: I wouldn’t say by choice, but I’d say I’m not homeless by choice. Right now if I had my own way, I’d be burning down your houses and using them for fires. Keep warm. I’d be parking in your back little cottage and fuckin’ burning your house down to stay warm during the winter. A house a day. The basic thing about the whole thing is that if the police leave you alone, then you’re going to have a real good winter. It’s the police that are the problem, nothing else. None of those other people aren’t tough enough. You know a few of the homeless get murdered here and there out on the tracks because they didn’t protect themselves. So they get preyed on. The basic thing is arm yourself to the teeth , build many fires, and do many sacrifices for the Great Gods. The Great old ones. How can I answer these questions with a straight face? They’re so dry and solicitacious of humanitarian fallings down the ages. I just am. I’m probably one in ten thousand. You’ll probably have to go through ten thousand people before you meet another me. I’m not them. So it’s better to just go out and get the homeless guy off the street. The wino motherfuckers that are brain dead or totally there..they have good answers too. I’m just saying, those are the “We Care Mission People”. My idea? Burn down the mission! That’s the only way you’re going to get equality, burn down the mission! I live here. I’m a natural person, I don’t need a fucking house. I’m cool when I got one, but you know, I live here. I’m a native. I’m an aboriginal. I’ve gone native and I live here.
It’s us against them. Either you over-throw your masters or you just walk away and ignore them. That’s why I think work is part of the prison system. You know? Make something for somebody to do so they can stay warm and eat. (Laughs) Make them do that to get there. It’s something they really want to do. Am I lazy? No, I just don’t want to do your dumb shit work man and get paid shit. I’d rather be scrounging through trash and picking exotic substances and being the barter system. I’d rather be pirating all the goods I can get my hands on. Life was simple a hundred years ago. Kick back. People are recently homeless. In the old days we were just pilgrims and holy men and raving monks. Spiritual warriors that live outside and brave the weather. That’s why I don’t call it “ homeless”. A lot of people have houses, but very few have homes. You could have the biggest fucking house and you could be just rotting inside your soul. What I’m trying to say is a home is not a house. And having all of your reality around you and its all wealth and opulence, but that doesn’t mean you have anything. Your soul might be rotten. So it’s spiritual health inside the body that’s the key factor for keeping me the way I am as to the way I could be because I think I’d lose, I’d detract from myself cause I believe this is the natural way people live. That they weren’t meant to work or do for anybody else unless they felt like it, you know? Like “That’s a good thing to do”, but not like “Yeah, I got to get up and go dig this ditch for this fucker who I don’t even like!” In the first place he looks at me like I’m dirt and I feel like going up there and caving in his skull in the morning. Feasting on his flesh for breakfast. That’s the lie they sold you, that’s the lie they sold you, you know? Go to school, go to work, then go die!

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Poor Vago

Sitting in the Window

Sitting in the Window
Sitting in the window. Typing. It’s dark out there…and light in here which means I can’t see anything but the pale glair of headlights going by. There could be a dozen people sitting outside watching me. nah! it’s too cold, inside and outside. curous how cold it suddenly got. if I look and imagine it, I can almost see them out there. Them. The faceless people who want to watch me. They are the ones I have to ghet used to. The ones who will want to see everything. I need to learn to glory in people giving me their attention. I do have that gift. Which is perhaps why I have so much of a desire to do what is lawful. I wish to break no laws. Then I can feel good about haveing those miillions of eyes on me. But until then, I must be careful. Get used to the fact that they are watching. And put on a good show. All of the bugs have to be worked out. There are still a few. The stage is well set though. I am writing publicly and privately.Everything I write may well end up in print for centuries! Stranger things have happened to people who drew such attention.. Odd to think of the window again. It’s stormy outside. The wind is blowing. And every car that passes can see me framed like a televison screen. I can be a character in their real live. Someone they see, ran into Paul and /connie, nice folks. I’m not so sure I acted the way I should’ve. I acted like a hungry guy getting some food. I was a hungry guy getting some food. I didn’t really want to chit chat, but they may have had their feelings hurt. Pah! I’m aware, that I could have stood there for twenty minutes talking about whatever I wanted.I’m sure they had something else to do as well.Fans or friends? do you treat them all like friends? Can everyone be your friend?How can you treat them differently?what is different about them? The People, were they fans or friends?JBoth? I need to figure this out. It is important to what I’m doing here. fans or friends or both?Steve Martin would be very useful to ask these questions to. Do I want everyone to be my friend? Do I want to have distance from my coworkers or not. I wonder if I’ve kissed Tracy, it almost seems like I was making out with her at Blockparty. I think I was making out with her and her friend.Maybe I just imagined that, but it sure sounds familiar.My coworkers, yes. I want to be friends with all of them. I want that, that is what is good for my career and my future. Self promotion. That is what I should do. I need to let people adore me. Being a celebrity is going to be difficult. so many decisions to be made, and so much riding on every one. I would need to be pretty Naive to htink my private life will remain that. I will have virtually no private life for some time to come. What price fame? Am I willing to pay that? Is it worth it to pursue that?I can be as famous as I choose to make myself.That is the wierd part, it is totally my choice. If I open up, everything will open up for me.I have that choice. That is a hard one. How much time do I get to do my creative things. When I don’t have to be a people person.Should I schedule my life by giving myself each Wednesday to write and Sunday to go to the woods or the beach. wow, theres a pretty novel idea. Schedule my life. The main thing is can I keep to it? Yes I can!!!But what about the people outside, they must be getting cold. Ar eyou cold, standing out there watching me. The rain is wet and I see you standing there. I couldn’t help but notice you watching me. Thank you. I like that you are wathcing me. Oops, suddenly I have drooled, isn’t that funny, yes I planned that. It only happens when I plan it. So, that is what it is about. I can be myself, work within the limits which society sets for me, and just crack people up. jThey will want to be in my company.Wouldn’t it be funny just to start falling around the office? Not that funny to the boss maybe. I can see him asking if I’d been drinking. Have you been drinking? So, that is the reason for the sterling reputation, to be above reproach on the mundane side of life. Have the cops say, hey you were speeding Chris, slow down okay? and say back “sure, Steve!” or whatever.

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Poor Vago

Millenium Celebrations…..

Millenium by Chris Damitio
What are you planning to do for the big millenium celebration. My friend Tracy is going on a luxury cruise to the Virgin Islands. That sounds prety good. Her husband Mike has decided to stay home and lock himself in the closet with a 12 gauge! Ringin in the New Year with a blast, if someone comes to take his sports coats!Tough to say what I’ll do. Probably spend it camping in the San Juans or sitting on a mountain top somewhere. Like hell I want to be anywhere near where huge groups of people will be celebrating. When I was a teenager, I used to love big parties. Whoopee! A kegger and theres 45 people there getting piss drunk. Even in high school, that was a recipe for a few fist fights, lots of drunk driving, and probably some poor girl getting date raped. About the last thing I want to do is be penned into some city center with 30 thousand drunks. I would be willing to bet at least one of them will be carrying a gun, and a few of those guys who liked to fight in high school never grew out of it, trust me. Spending the turning of the millenium kissing a stranger sounds kind of dangerous. I’m sure 80,000 rednecks will be firing their rifles in the air, where will the bullets come down. Maybe a mountain top isn’t such a good idea. I like to think some day, I’ll be alive to tell my children about the night nothing happened. Might make some sort of a difference where I spend it.