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Poor Vago

Ego and More Y2K

Ego by Chris Damitio
Soon this will be the column you wait for. Even before you check your horoscope or the “missed connections” section, you will flip here. Y, you ask? Perhaps why 2k? It’s a good question really. Why two thousand, why not measure with a different system, then we can miss all the unpleasantness which comes with rounded numbers. Our own ten digits have caused us to mystify, glorify, and even worship numbers ending in five and zero
MORE Y2K FUN!!!!
Have you started to prepare your Y2K survival kit yet? It might be a good time to start figuring out what is important to you in our technology dependent, consumer creating, resource depleting, pollution spewing, disgustingly corrupt, and greed driven society. My personal kit contains a sleeping bag, matches, and the following “essential “ items: A big knife, my rambo survival kit, 3 packs of M&M’s, a dirty magazine (just in case everyone else disappears), 47 baseball cards, 7 packs of pepper, and a roll of toilet paper. I can’t think of anything else that means anything to me. The power goes out at midnight and fifteen minutes later a million Canadian troops are gonna burst through the Peace Arch. They’ve been waitng for this. You can’t prepare for Y2K too soon. The year everyone freaks out in. Why two thousand? Why not use a different calendar, then we can miss all the chaos which comes with rounded numbers. Our own ten digits have caused us to mystify, glorify, and even worship numbers ending in zero. The continent was first invaded by Europeans (excluding Vikings) five hundred and seven years ago….That means that in the year 2k, it will also be “year 508”. There’s nothing sinister about “year 508”, except that it coincides with Y2K! It’s sort of fun imagining that society is going to turn into some sort of Mad Max movie. My mother is already stashing canned goods and milkjugs of water in the basement next to her Geiger counter. The Russian silos aren’t protected you know!.Any way you count it, the next nine months will be interesting. My e-mail alone….
. I didn’t really expect a letter asking for advice. I would like to emphasize that I have only asked for hatemail…. I am not a professional therapist, I’ve never been an advice columnist, and quite frankly, I give pretty bad advice. In fact, I am a freak. That being said…..
Dear Ramblin’ Man,
I’ve been enjoying your column. I wonder if
you can help me
with a little problem I’ve been having. My
mother hates my girlfriend. My girlfriend hates
my mother. What should I do? It makes it hard on me because I love them both.
Sincerely,
Stuck.
Dear Stuck ,
Invite both of them to an event with you. Then stand them both up. When you don’t show up, their natural woman anger will cause them to bond in their hatred of you. The closer they get, the less likely your girlfriend is to dump you because she won’t want to hurt your mom. Let the women become friends and before you know it they will be in the kitchen together, baking cookies. But remember, free advice is worth what you pay for it. If you have hatemail or Y2K stuff, that’s what I really like. Any hatemail, suggestions or advice can be e-mailed to me at cdamitio@yahoo.com. See ya next week with Yo Mama Jokes.

Categories
Poor Vago

Why Ask Y2K?

WHY ASK Y2K? by Chris Damitio
Has anyone else noticed that every time you pick up a paper, surf the net, watch the news, or open a magazine theres another story about Y2K? I bet you started reading this article because of the Y2K in the lead. It’s a disturbing trend to see. After all it is only February. I don’t really expect that the fervor wil die down as we get closer to ground zero. How many fruitcakes will convince the weakminded to put on theri Nikes, clutch their nickels, and die to meet the Y2K aliens. Conspiracy theories are already starting to abound. Why would they reveal the secrets of the X-Files unless the world is coming to an end. Doesn’t it make sense? Elvis and Jim Morrison are hiding with JFK and his wife Marilyn calling all the shots. It all starts to come clear. The secret is locked in that insidious program, The Teletubbies. The Reverand Jerry Falwell is right (no pun intended) but Tinky Winky is a decoy. I’m sure the real villain is Po. I watch it over and over hoping to figure out the secret which I know is trapped within Po’s fat red fanny. Did you know the word “fanny” has a meaning which makes mum’s cover their kids ears when the sitcom “The Nanny” comes on in Britain? So that’s what’s happening. It’s all pretty obvious. The answer lies in the development which is going on all around.us. Sure, Bellingham needs new hotels, docks, and trolley cars. But what if it is all to provide a place for “the aliens” to emerge from the Pacific Trench. Bellingham would be the perfect place for them to show up. Nobody would really pay attention to them. Okay, so maybe I’m stretching it a little. But, there is a chance that something is going on. My honest suspicion is that cruisehips will depart from Fairhaven to Alaska soon. I’m actually all for that, even though your typical “cruisers” are about as Alien as it gets. While I was living in Juneau last summer, thousands of them would descend on the town every day! I would sit in the Alaskan Hotel with friends and stare in amazement as they pulled the $5 pricetags from their “fashion sport garbage bag ponchos”. But the upside of the tourist industry is that it provides a huge incentive to preserve and protect the beautiful environment which surrounds us and brings in millions of dollars to local business. So let me say again “ Why ask Y2K?”. Tune in next week for more insightful dialogue about Y2K, or maybe a surprise review of Southside restaurants. I’ve eaten at most of them. If you have any suggestions or hatemail you can e-mail me at cdamitio@yahoo.com.